Fake It 'Til You Make It

Here's a technique for getting through those moments when you are irritated, coming unglued or just plain losing your cool. It's called 'Half Smile' technique. Try it. Gently raise the corners of your mouth upward. Not too much. Be subtle. Apparently this action will cause biochemical changes that can mediate your mood. Try it. Notice what happens.
The next time your spouse, partner, teen, or toddler is about to drive you nuts, let a gentle secret smile arise and see if the volume dial doesn't get dial back a notch or too.
It beats taking a smoke break.

Tashlikh Prayer; Let Us Cast Away...

They handed this out at my church last Sunday. Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish New Year and this prayer is said at the end of Rosh Hashanah (I think);

Let us cast away the sin of deception, so that we will mislead no one in word or deed, nor pretend to be what we are not.

Let us cast away the sin of vain ambition which prompts us to strive fro goals which bring neither true fulfillment nor genuine contentment.

Let us cast away the sin of stubbornness, so that we will neither persist in foolish habits nor fail to acknowledge our will to change.

Let us cast away the sin of envy, so that we will neither be consumed by desire for what we lack nor grow unmindful of the blessings which are already ours.

Let us cast away the sin of selfishness, which keeps us from enriching our lives through wider concerns, and greater sharing, and from reaching out in love to other human beings.

Let us cast away the sin of indifference, so that we may be sensitive to the sufferings of others and responsive to the needs of our people everywhere.

Let us cast away the sins of pride and arrogance, so that we may worship and serve our highest purposes in humility and in truth.

Childhood Unbound

I am reading an interesting new book on parenting. The author is Ron Taffel. Taffel is a therapist and a writer/thinker on family issues. I have always found him insightful and jargon free. The book is entitled Childhood Unbound and the premise is that there has been a major shift in the way we rear our children, the way children and adolescents experience the world around them and though these changes may seem frightening there is more good than bad in them. Taffel suggests that the 'generation gap' has disappeared but has been replaced by the the tendency to seek both separation and closeness within families. He points out that adults raising children today have much more in common with their children than our parents had with us. This is an excellent companion book to Staying Connected to Your Teenager by Michael Riera.
I highly recommend this to parents and therapists alike who are trying to figure it all out.

Childhood Unbound by Ron Taffel, PhD

Katrina Four Years On

It's been four years since Katrina battered the Gulf Coast and created the situation for New Orleans to be deluged. There has been progress but much remains to be done. In New Orleans life seems to be coming back (at least in the French Quarter, Garden District and Uptown areas). Wander off the beaten path and it is clear that there is much re-construction still needed.

Please keep the folks of New Orleans and the Gulf Coast in your thoughts and prayers this week. One coping skill I teach is to develop a 'Gratitude List'. Even those of us who are dealing with a long list of problems always have blessings in our life. When we contemplate the people of New Orleans and the Gulf Coast and what they went through, what they lost and what they will never get back it can help put our struggles in perspective. This is not to say that our struggles are trivial or less meaningful, it is simply to gain perspective on our suffering.

Street Yoga

I heard this on the radio (NPR) today. Yoga and Mindfulness is not just for the professional class. Go listen for yourself. http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=112293295

August 30, 2009
Street Yoga sounds like a do-gooder's nirvana — it's an organization that teaches yoga to youths and families facing homelessness and other struggles. Based in Portland, Ore., Street Yoga runs two-day training programs across the United States, including a recent one in Washington, D.C.
The 40 or so trainees — all of them lithe, lovely yoga people — included social workers, a psychologist, medical students and some mental health care workers. They were asked to role-play rowdy homeless teenagers in a yoga class.
Everyone was assigned parts. Some were hyperactive, jumping up and down, while others pretended to sleep on their mats. They chatted loudly on their cell phones and chased each other around the room in a scene of sheer pandemonium.

Enlarge Courtesy of Campbell Salgado Studio
Kelli Kessler May is one of the Street Yoga instructors.
Courtesy of Campbell Salgado Studio
Kelli Kessler May is one of the Street Yoga instructors.
"That was the most intense yoga I've ever, ever led," confessed Dani Berav, who volunteered to teach the class. She had spent the previous evening planning a class she hoped would communicate yoga's deep life lessons. None of it worked.
But Street Yoga founder Mark Lilly has taught classes like that in real life. He thinks yoga should not be reserved for yuppies. His students include children so severely abused that they have brain damage from being hit.
"There'd be kids shaking, literally shaking, with big bruises," he says. "They would run across the room and try to punch the staff person. They would spit on another kid or provoke a fight, or they would curl up in a ball and start crying."
Lilly admits that it will take more than a few downward dogs to change these lives. But he says yoga gives some measure of order, strength and balance to people living in indescribably dysfunctional worlds. And — it doesn't require any costly equipment.
Street Yoga bases the training on just seven yogic poses, including the challenging "crow pose." Lilly says most kids can master it in a couple of weeks, which gives them a rare feeling of success.
Social worker Katie Arrants is Lilly's co-teacher. She says it's vital to set firm, compassionate ground rules when leading yoga classes for disadvantaged youth.
"Whether it's a comment about someone's ass in the air — I can't let that fly," she told the trainees. "That's not safe in my class."
Arrants has to be flexible in many ways: She must follow the rules of the programs where she teaches yoga. Some have a no-touch policy. Others disallow kids' drowsing on the yoga mat.
Erin O'Reilly works at a program for sexually abused kids that has partnered with Street Yoga for about five years.
"Many of our kids disassociate to the point of reporting not having any feeling in their bodies," she says. But yoga gives them a chance to connect with and trust with their own bodies.
"They feel powerful," she says. "They feel strong."
Now, Street Yoga is developing programs with social workers that teach mindfulness in moments of crisis. Lilly offers one example: that moment when a parent is right on the edge of abusing his or her kids. Through Street Yoga, parents can learn tools to center, calm and control themselves.
"We're really trying to break in at those critical half-seconds," Lilly says, "to see if we can stay people's hands and keep lives from completely unraveling."

Time to get up.

Back to school. If you are like me there is a combination of relief and apprehension. Kids go back on a schedule and their days are presumably filled with learning, development and friend making. But we've had a great summer in the Brinson household so I am a little sorry to see it all end. Back to getting up early, making breakfast and lunches, getting the little one to the bus, carpooling the big one, making sure homework gets done, staying in touch with school, going to PTO meetings, enforcing bedtime, reading along with my first grader and paying attention. That 'paying attention' is the real hard part. It's easy to go on auto pilot once we adjust to our new schedule. But paying attention is more than half the battle. Paying attention to my children's moods, worries and performance at school. Taking advantage of whatever communication the school offers. Last year, for some reason, I dreaded looking at my son's schools website communication which had his weekly assignments and grades. It's a great tool really. This year I am committed to avoiding avoidance and facing my fears....which are usually unfounded. Usually.

Signs and Symptoms of Teen Depression

Summer is coming to a close. Seems like there is less and less summer with the passing of each year. For emotionally vulnerable teens summer break can cut both ways. On the one hand there is less pressure, academic and social, and these adolescents seem to need less mental health care in the summer months (teen therapists are less busy and teen hospital units are not at capacity). On the other hand, especially for kids in unstable homes or suffering from critical socio-economic factors, the school year does provide structure, supervision and nutrition that is not necessarily available at home.

With the new school year practically here I thought it would be handy to review some of the Signs and Symptoms of Depression in Adolescents.

Here are some things to look for:

• Increased sadness and loneliness


• Easily irritated or angered


• Frequent mood swings


• Increased tearfulness and crying


• Withdrawal from friends and family


• Loss of interest in activities


• Changes in eating and sleeping habits


• Loss of weight


• Restlessness and agitation


• Feelings of worthlessness and guilt


• Lack of motivation or enthusiasm


• Lack of Energy


• Difficulty paying attention or concentrating

• Self harming behaviors (cutting, burning etc.)


• Thoughts of death and suicide

All teens (all people for that matter) experience all of these from time to time. The trick is to look for signs and symptoms that appear persistent. We all have mood changes that are fleeting but when a dark mood combined with one or more of the symptoms above persists for more than a few weeks it is time to seek help.

Pay attention. Adolescent don't always communicate directly about how they are feeling. Often it's in their actions that they are speaking to you.

Mindfulness journal

In my private practice I have begun to use 'Mindfulness' with several clients and with myself. Mindfulness is simply the practice of being aware of the moment. I typically practice by focusing on my breath, in and out, and I count from 1 to 10 then back again. Simply focusing on the air as it enters and leaves my body. As thoughts, judgments and feelings intrude I let them pass without pushing and gently refocus on my breath. There are infinite ways to practice but this seems to work best for me.
Mindfulness has helped me and my clients I think. It also seems to be helping in my own parenting. I find myself slower to anger and frustration and more 'in the moment' observing my thoughts and feelings without having to act on them.

I am keeping a journal in order to help me be disciplined about the practice. See below.

6/11/09

948-954: Counted breaths 1 to 10. Attempting to focus on the awareness of air leaving and entering my body. Interrupted by outside sounds and thoughts of today’s business. Attempted to gently refocus on breaths. Lost count and went back to 1 on a couple of occasions. Also considered my body in space, in the chair, but detached as well. Kept eyes closed mostly as a way of reinforcing focus on breathing. Attempted awareness over thinking. Still having a problem with this concept.




6/12/09

804-808: with client: focused on awareness of body in space; in contact with chair or couch, in addition to breath entering and exiting body. During the practice I began a ‘body scan’ from feet on upward and lost focus on breath…..but that’s ok. Some of my clients have found this a useful way to begin our sessions. I think it’s useful for both of us.


6/15/09

854-903: Counted breaths, 1 to 10; mind tended to wonder to how I would use mindfulness with clients this week, brought attention back to breaths. Remember what Kabat-Zinn said about awareness and ‘proprioception’ and how I ‘know’ where my body is in space. Also thought about not trying to breath deep but just breath and observe how my body knows to breath. Kept on coming back to breaths. Went a little longer than usual today.

Proprioception — from Latin proprius, meaning "one's own," and perception — is one of the human senses. There are between nine and 21 in all, depending on which sense researcher you ask. Rather than sensing external reality, proprioception is the sense of the orientation of one's limbs in space. This is distinct from the sense of balance, which derives from the fluids in the inner ear, and is called equilibrioception. Proprioception is what police officers test when they pull someone over and suspect drunkenness. Without proprioception, we'd need to consciously watch our feet to make sure that we stay upright while walking.
6/16/09

1006-1012: with client, focused on aural awareness, let sounds enter the ear; street sounds are prevalent but also, underneath, are the sounds of the a/c and the computer, humming. Without the focus of counting breaths intrusive thoughts were a little more prevalent.

6/30/09

902-908: with loratab client, counting breaths 1 to 10 and back again; wondering if this guy is going to make it, then back to breathing, random thoughts, then back to breathing. Then focus on the breath for a few moments, that’s all, then the noise, cars, computer etc.

7/6/09

802-810: with client, counting breaths, found it difficult to focus, mind kept wandering to business concerns, getting paid etc. Judgments creeped in.

7/18/09

950-10: after run, still sweating and breathing heavy, tried listening to modern chamber music, tried to just focus on the music, eyes closed, then open, then closed again. Kept on thinking what a beautiful day, cool with a slight breeze, nice. Then brought focus back to music. It was hard, too many other stimuli I guess.

Summer, laziness, camp and spontaneity

I've been lazy with the posts. It is summer time after all. As a parent I have always been a little too anxious about how my kids are spending their free time. Should it be structured, learning rich, safe.....or, should it be free, laid back and at their pace. This Summer I am trying to 'let go' of 'all structure, all the time.' With so much to suck up a kid's attention from tv, to gameboy to video games I have to occasionally step in to say 'go play outside' but I must admit that this summer I've been much more hands off. Here's what I've noticed. When left to their own devices my kids and their friends will do all sorts of things without me having to be the recreation director. They may play game boy, while they are watching The Simpsons reruns and then spontaneously all decide to go out side and have a water fight. And then they are back in to destroy the play room. It's beautiful. And all I have to do is make sure they are safe without being heavy handed. It really is wonderful to sit in the background and just listen to a bunch of kids (in this case ages 5 to 12) just having lazy fun. It's the payoff in my quest to be a more 'mindful' parent.

It's not that I am against planned activities, but having some weeks that are down time and some that are camp seems like it has been a good combination. It also leaves room for spontaneity. We've been on an impromptu canoe trip and a neighbor invited my kids at the last minute to go on a 'river cruise' in Ashland City (north of Nashville).

Both my kids begin two weeks of camp tomorrow (she will be in her first day camp and he will be going to over-night camp). It should be a nice break for us but I don't think it will take long for us to miss 'listening in' to all the goings on in the play room.

The Gift of Being Taken for Granted

Don't you hate being taken for granted?   When I was a younger social worker working in a community mental health center, many many years ago,  I had a sign on my desk: "Will work for Acknowledgement."    It was just a joke, sort of.    

As parents we complain about being taken for granted.    We complain that our children don't appreciate us and all the hard work we do for them day in and day out.   We want acknowledgement.   We want to be told 'thanks mom (or dad) for fixing me a delicious lunch, or taking me to the doctor, or letting me live in this great house!'    But we usually aren't told.   We may teach our children to be grateful.  But this is just good manners,  not the same as true appreciation. 

Well, here's the thing.   Children who take their parents for granted are in pretty good shape.  That means that the kids don't even have to think 'Will there be dinner on the table tonight?' or 'Will dad make my lunch this morning?' or 'Will mom be sober enough to read me a story at bed time?' or 'Will I be seeing dad.....ever?'

Children who are in a situation to NOT take their parents for granted are essentially in a dangerous or neglectful environment.   By our very nature we take things for   granted when they occur regularly and consistently.   Just ask any husband of a loving wife or vice a versa.   

So, the next time you are feeling put upon by your offspring consider this, being taken for granted is a gift.    It's the gift of knowing that your children know in their bones you will be there.   It's like the air they breath.