Be Grateful for What You Got, Give What You Can

What are we to do in the face of unmitigated tragedy like the earthquake in Haiti? For any with one empathic bone in their body (hopefully anyone reading this would qualify) the sights and sounds we witness on tv, the web and the paper can only bring the ache of shock, sadness and a sense of powerlessness. What can we do? After we come to our senses there some answers to this question.

First, give money. Give as generously as you can afford. Give to organizations with a good track record of getting resources to those who need them and who have low overhead.

Second, take stock of your blessings. We all have struggles that at times seem daunting, but Haiti puts our troubles in perspective. Give thanks.

Third, talk to your children about Haiti and what is happening in words they can understand. The realization that the world is bigger than the world they know is part of growing up. Talking about this tragedy can help build a sense of empathy for the suffering of others. At that is precious.

Fourth, if you can, think globally and act locally. Get involved.

Fifth, hug your children, hug your partner, let the people close to you know how much you love and care about them.

Here are some organizations I would recommend: Doctors Without Borders, Oxfam USA, Save the Children, Catholic Relief Services, Mercy Corp, Haiti Emergency Relief Fund, Fonkoze.org (a micro lending group based in Haiti)

New Years Resolution: CONNECTION

On the eve of the eve of a New Year I am thinking about resolutions. With my clients lately I have been using this event, admitting it's a cliche, to suggest thinking of new beginnings, renewed efforts, enriched meanings in their lives. So many of my clients are lonely and disconnected. The social worker in me wants to get them 'out there', involved, volunteering, joining the gym, hiking trails, going to 'meet ups', meditating, in a word....connecting with something bigger than themselves.

Addiction is perhaps an over used word but I do think that when we pull back, isolate, cut our selves off, we open our selves up to our 'lesser angels'. I know this is true for me and my intuition (I've done no research on this) is that it's true for others. Many of us, perhaps all of us, deal with unfillable holes in ourselves. In the attempt to fill these we can easily turn, compulsively (addictively), to all sorts of unhealthy activities. So how do we attend to our fractured, incomplete selves, without falling into the addiction trap??

So my suggested New Years Resolution for all my clients and any one who stumbles across this blog is to find a way to connect with others. There are so many ways: take a yoga class, sign up to volunteer with Nashville Cares or Hands On Nashville, go to your church, temple, mosque or whatever is your cathedral, pray, meditate, talk to your neighbors, ask a friend to train with you for the country music marathon, call an old friend you haven't spoken with in years, join a cause (political, social justice, labor, environmental), join a book club.....you get the idea.

Let 2010 be the year of CONNECTION.

Explode with Happiness

My 6 year old daughter Camille: "Daddy, how many days until Christmas?"

Me: "Three sweetie."

Camille: "Only three more days 'til I explode with happiness!"

Setting a good example for Stress Management

The most effective way for helping your teen deal with stress and anxiety is to deal with your own stress and anxiety effectively.

That means doing the following: 1) get enough sleep, with enough sleep you have the 'shock absorbers' you need to handle the normal ups and downs and frustrations of your day; 2) eat right, your body is what feels the stress and if it's not getting its fuel it will not be able to go the distance; 3) exercise regularly (see #2); 4) develop a supportive network of friends and peers; 5) schedule time for 'doing nothing', recreation, down time; and 6) nurture a meaningful spiritual life, prayer and/or mindful meditation are good practices for managing and coping with stress.

In doing these things you are setting an example for your adolescent. Teaching your child by word and example to take care of themselves, set time aside to relax, make good, supportive, friendships and manage time effectively will provide them with tools to handle what has become a very stressful time of our life. On a downer note, stress that goes unaddressed and unresolved can lead to depression. Depression in adolescents, especially older adolescents, is dangerous. Suicide is the 3rd largest killer of our teens and the 2nd largest amongst college age students.

"There do in fact exist creators, seers, sages, saints, shakers, and movers...even if they are uncommon and do not come by the dozen. And yet these very same people can at times be boring, irritating, petulant, selfish, angry or depressed. To avoid disillusionment with human nature, we must first give up our illusions about it." -- Abraham Maslow

STRESSED OUT TEENS what the research shows

I've been asked to speak to a parent group at a local high school regarding Adolescent Stress. What stresses teens out? Well according to the research done by Johns Hopkins in Baltimore there are 5 big ones:

1) school work 2) parents 3) friends' problems 4) romantic relationships and 5) dealing with younger siblings (#5 changes to 'drugs in the neighborhood' for kids in poor and working class communities).

What is Stress? Researchers define stress as a physical, mental, or emotional response to events that causes bodily or mental tension. Simply put, stress is any outside force or event that has an effect on our body or mind. Sometimes stress may be hard to define, but we know it when we feel it (as long as we are paying attention). Stress is not 'bad'; Stress helps us to deal with life’s challenges, to give our best performance, and to meet a tough situation with focus. When we are feeling excitement, whether it's because we are giving or watching an artistic performance, playing sports, watching a movie, skiing down a slope, we are feeling a type of stress. We seek some stress out.

The body’s stress response is important and necessary. However, when too much stress builds up, we may encounter many physical and emotional health problems. If we don’t deal with stress, the health problems can stay with us and worsen over the course of our life. Riding a roller coaster is fun once or twice, but what if you felt like you were unable to get off?

What are the signs and symptoms of stress? They can be seen in 5 domains: 1) physiological problems like aches, pains and fatigue; 2) emotional problems like depression, tearfulness, increased fragility, rage and anger, acting out and even violence; 3) relational problems like increased isolation, conflict and arguing with family and friends; 4) cognitive problems like forgetfulness and confusion and 5) spirituall problems such as feeling alone, disconnected, forgotten, empty and even suicidal.

When stress becomes a problem how do teens cope? The Baltimore study looked at this too.

1) They may give up sleep. This is especially true with high achievers or students in demanding schools. The problem is that teens really do need their sleep and studies have shown that lack of sleep has a direct effect on academic performance and testing. 2) They may try to escape their stress through avoidance, sleeping too much, drugs, entertainment and partying. 3) They may (we hope) seek out supportive and non judgmental peers or siblings. 4) They may act out by being more oppositional, argumentative and rebellious (in some cases we see teens resorting to self harm as a coping strategy) or 5) They may engage in increase physical activity, sports, and exercise.

The problem is that we (Parents, Counselors, Authority figures) are out to lunch. We tend to focus purely on the 'goals' of immediate or long term achievement; projects due, tests to study for, college prep etc. What we often do not do is non judgmentally listen, pay attention, listen, resist giving lectures and advice. And yet these are what can benefit stressed out teens the most.

In schools, even though these types of problems are recognized it is rare that stress management and coping strategies are woven into the curriculum. Or that parents are encouraged to learn more about how to handle their stressed out teen. Indeed, parents themselves are often under a great deal of their own stress without a clue of how to deal with it. (Part II will be Effective Stress Management Skills)

Friday. I love Friday. It gets extra points just for being Friday.

Meeting them where they are

In social work and counseling we are taught and encouraged to meet our clients 'where they are.' This is another way of saying we need to accept our clients where they are. We may wish that they were further along on some imaginary trajectory of progress or growth but that wishful thinking, as in just about all wishful thinking, will lead to trouble or worse. I am frequently guilty of this type of wishful thinking in both my practice and my own parenting. I am constantly having to mindfully reassess and readjust. Yesterday in particular I was working with a client and quite simply I was being un-mindful about what this client needed and where this client was on that trajectory. It was, upon reflection, a real dose of cold water reality for me. I think our next session will be more productive because I will be closer to where my client is.

This can happened with parenting too. I am in the midst of trying to help my daughter learn how to read. Every night we lay down on her bed and I ask her to read, usually a Dr. Seuss book or something similar. Sometimes she does great, sounding out the syllables, putting the sounds together and coming out with the word. Other times she's distracted, looking everywhere but the word and guessing. It's frustrating. I have to take a deep breath, not become reactionary, and be mindful of where she is. It's the end of the day, she's tired and this reading stuff seems an awful lot like work sometimes. But when I step back I also can see that where she is now is probably is where she's supposed to be. My wife's theory about reading is that is seems to suddenly click and they get it. That may be true but until the 'click' happens I am going to keep reminding myself to accept where my little girl is with her reading.

My 12 year old boy is a whole 'nother challenge and that's for another post.

'Enjoy every sandwich' Warren Zevon 1947-2003

Fake It 'Til You Make It

Here's a technique for getting through those moments when you are irritated, coming unglued or just plain losing your cool. It's called 'Half Smile' technique. Try it. Gently raise the corners of your mouth upward. Not too much. Be subtle. Apparently this action will cause biochemical changes that can mediate your mood. Try it. Notice what happens.
The next time your spouse, partner, teen, or toddler is about to drive you nuts, let a gentle secret smile arise and see if the volume dial doesn't get dial back a notch or too.
It beats taking a smoke break.