Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

Vicktor Frankl

my avoidance

I'm getting messages from the universe (and others) that I need to start posting again. Is it laziness or avoidance? I think probably avoidance. So what am I avoiding? I've been thinking a lot lately about avoidance and why we do it. It's probably the number one defense mechanism we humans have. We avoid perceived pain. The pain of difficult emotions, the pain of facing the consequences of our actions, the pain of seeing hurt in someone else, the pain of the truth about ourselves....the list goes on. Before we decide to be courageous and face what we generally avoid I think it's useful just to notice our avoidance. Notice the times we turn away or delay or pretend not to see. Just pay attention to it. This is hard enough. What I avoid: talking about money with my spouse, talking to my son about sex/sexuality, organizing my desk/office, signing up for yoga class, a growing list of projects around the house, seeking guidance from others, showing my vulnerabilities, confronting clients about missed appointments, going to the doctor, scales, chores, auto maintenance, practicing guitar, meditation, church.......

Setting Boundaries comes with a cost

There is always a price to pay for setting boundaries with others. This is especially true when heretofore the boundaries have been inconsistent, nebulous or virtually non existent. A client is trying to figure out how to tell her best friend that she is tired of being walked on and taken for granted. My client is worried that this may endanger the relationship. I had to tell her that it most definitely will endanger the relationship. If she chooses to alter the current arrangements with her friend, to demand more respect, reciprocity and equality then the relationship as it is will most certainly die. The price she will pay may be the ending of a friendship and increased social isolation and loneliness. She has to decide if the price and risk are worth it. She says she fed up and knows that things can not go on as they have, but she is nervous and worried that she will become too angry or 'ugly' toward her friend.

My client says she is going to think about it, write about it and the decide how to proceed. For now she is keeping her distance (but still letting her friend use her car free of charge!).

I'm curious to see what she decides. My client is a sweet, shy woman who feels generally cut off from others. To stand up for herself and risk losing one of the few close friends she has will take a lot of courage.

Resist letting the urge to BE Right get in the way of the effort to BE Effective

Meta Communication

When you've noticed a negative pattern in your communication with your teen (or even your partner) the best time to address this NOT during an argument or when you see the pattern occuring, but at some other time of your chosing; when the other person is approachable and least likely to be defensive.
Communication about communication can be very effective in encouraging win/win scenarios and good faith negotiations. Effective communication takes at least two people to be willing to do something different so when you approach your adolescent be willing to say what you will do different as well as what you are hoping to see in them.

8th grade

Summer ends too quickly. It's not actually over for more than another month, but really, it ended on August 12th when my kids went back to school. 8th grade begins for Adam, 2nd for Camille. And away we go.

I was driving Adam to his first day for 8th grade. I remember when he started 5th and the butterflies I felt for him then, entering a new school, no friends, alone. I think maybe I was more nervous than he was. Adam has always been so stoic. Dropping him off last week to begin his last year of middle school I felt somehow the same. Butterflies, but not worrying about him making it in a new school, but for this beginning of this end. He's not worried at all, 8th grade, top of the pack. He's 13, and the years between 5th grade and now have slipped by. Despite some of the struggles, the cancer, and all that, middle school has flown by. As Adam walks away I see him as a young man, almost grown up, I see him as the little boy 3 years ago, I see him as a baby, and I see him soon gone away from us. I think I cried a bit as I drove away from his school, waving to the teacher on morning traffic duty. Feeling the butterflies.

Summer

Summer time is filled with possibility. I used to think that because I still had to work through the summer that this season would go to being just like any other, only hotter. But the idea that something special could happen has never left me. I really love the summer time. It must be my 'inner' 13 year old. My actual 13 year old is either away at camp or taking care of himself this summer. My 6 (almost 7) year old is going to a series of day camps or staying with a family friend. I pray they will remember their summers with the same whimsical affection that I do. Mornings are decidedly less hurried and stressful. We still get up early, but it's amazing what a difference 30 minutes makes. We've already had one week long vacation to the Gulf Coast (before the slick got there) and may hopefully have another. Summer gives laziness a pass. Summer-time is short (and getting shorter). As time slows down it seems to paradoxically slip away all the sooner. Mid August will be here soon and the kids will be back in school, and we will be back to hectic mornings, home work and grade pressures. Summer is precious.

Nashville Flood 2010

My first impulse is to be 'cute' about the Nashville Flood. Quote some apropos lyric or something. But that seems fairly obscene given the amount of devastation and suffering going on in this city and the surrounding area right now. While I often promote to my clients 'count your blessings' even when things are tough, I also know that such a trite statement would be useless at this moment. What we need now is solidarity, action and support. Those who need help need to seek it and those who can help need to give it.

There are many organizations that can help connect those in need with those who can help. The two I would recommend right off are the Nashville American Red Cross http://www.hon.org/HomePage/index.php/home.html and Hands on Nashville.

http://www.hon.org/HomePage/index.php/home.html. I highly recommend to those who need help or want to take action to contact one of these organizations.

Waiting at the Surface

Sometimes being a parent to an older teen is like being in a row boat waiting for your scuba diving child to come back up for air. We wait patiently. We can't go down with them but we are there, ready when they surface. It's risky. You can't see where they are going, but it's a fools errand to dive after them. You don't have an air tank. They could be anywhere. But, they will come up for air some time and when they do you are there ready to receive, love, and guide. Then they dive again. And you wait, again.

This metaphor is not perfect and certainly doesn't pertain to younger children. Our older children, our young adults, are increasingly making their own decisions, wise or unwise. Hopefully we have been parenting them to prepare them for this time. We are still their parents, they are still in our home, but (whether we like it or not) we are no longer in control. It's tempting to pull the 'you're still my child' card. No one could blame you. But it's largely an exercise in futility. The secret is patience and timing. At some point they will come to you and genuinely want your input and guidance. You are close to launching them (there's another less than perfect metaphor) and the air in their tank is limited. They will come up to breathe at some point. Wait patiently.

Mindfulness Practice and Parenting

http://www.pbs.org/thebuddha/blog/2010/mar/17/mindfulness-2-minutes-chade-meng-tan/

Check this site out. Mindfulness, speaking for myself, has been a major contributor to my own flawed quest for more patience, attentiveness and compassion toward myself and others. This piece offers a great way to integrate mindfulness practice with everyday parenting. Give it a try.

Here's one mindfulness practice I do with my clients (including my teen clients):

• Sit in a relaxed but dignified position
• Bring your attention to your breath
• Your body breathes all on its own, so all we are going to do is notice our body doing its work
• As your body breaths in, say to yourself 'Breathing In'
• As your body breaths out, say to yourself 'Breathing Out'
• Bringing attention to the automatic, the mundane, is a great way to expand our general ability to pay attention to the moment, as it arises, without judgement
• Your mind will wander; that is totally natural and not to be avoided; the goal here is to notice when your mind wanders.
• When you notice your mind wandering off of your breath, gently bring your attention back to your breathing
• Do this without judgement
• The goal is not to 'not be distracted' but to notice when you are distracted and kindly bring your attention back to the present moment: breathing
• We will do this for about 4 minutes and I will let you know when we are done