Punishment

Punishment is tempting. When our child misbehaves or does poorly in school or worse...lies, cheats, uses drugs etc punishment can have an emotional pay off for us the parents. We get to release our anger and disappointment, and feel as if we are doing something, taking action to fix the problem.

Sometimes punishment is necessary. Punishment is a form of communication. It says that 'this behavior is not acceptable'.

Punishment doesn't work. It doesn't work in the way we hope it will. It will not fix a problem or over the long run change behavior. It may over the short run, briefly.

Punishment can be a sign of 'lazy parenting'. Not to sound harsh, but if a parent is relying on punishment to affect behavior that means that either 1) the parent is not doing the hard stuff; maintaining consistency and constancy, providing a living example of good decision making, creating a healthy family culture and rewarding good behavior or 2) these things are being done only haphazardly.

When punishment is necessary it should be short and meaningful. It should have an beginning and an ending. Punishments should be known before the 'crime' occurs and not thought of in the moment. This ends up with either too harsh punishments or punishments that eventually have no meaning (You're grounded for 6 months!).

The next entry will outline one technique for improving and shaping more positive behaviors.

Healthy Parental Self Focus

I'd have to say that just about every parent I am currently working with has a big minus in their life. What is that minus, you may ask. Time for themselves. Time to not be totally focused either on work or being a parent. I know, I know....you are saying, "But Ed, when would I find the time to focus on me, to carve out time for myself, to set down the burdens of work and child rearing?" I never said it was easy....why would all of my parents not be doing it? It's just an observation.

One idea would be to think strategically, get a calendar or day planner out (or put one to use) and schedule time for yourself. 10 minutes here, 20 minutes there, perhaps even an hour somewhere else. If parents have partners they can work together to not only give each other nights off but to encourage each other to do something for themselves. Neighbors can do the same for each other.

Take a yoga class at the Y, join a book club, pray, learn some meditation techniques, go for a walk, shoot some hoops, read (but not about how to be a better parent...try a novel).......you get the point.

Balance in life is elusive but worth seeking. Some of the more saintly among us may cry foul. "We must put the children first!" etc etc. No one is suggesting abandonment here, but we do our children no favors when we abandon ourselves. Day in and day out we model for our children. That includes how we take care of ourselves. In the end parents who are able to eek out time for themselves are giving their children the gift of a more energized, focused and happier parent.

More than Love

Our kids can wear us out. When there are problems such as conflict, drug abuse, oppositional behaviors or poor communication it will take more than 'mere love' to improve the situation. Parents, in one way or another, will find themselves feeling helpless and maybe even hopeless in the face of these and similar problems. Many of the families I work with have been dealing with problems for a while and often feel that nothing they have tried has worked. Some of them are on the verge of giving up or giving in to the problem; live and let live.
It is at times like these that parents need to reinforce their inner resources. Parents need to remember that their physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health can not be sacrificed on the alter of self less parenthood. The road is long, the holes can be deep and parents need to be prepared. So how does one do that?

1) Think about your self--do what you can to have time for yourself on a regular basis

2) Develop a regular prayer, meditation or mindfulness practice--daily quiet time. There are a plethora of books about mindfulness. There is an excellent book on Mindful Parenting: Every Day Blessings by John Kabat-Zinn.

3) Think strategically--consider the problems you are having with your children strategically, just like you would if you were playing a game (it even helps to put on a 'gaming' attitude)--you know your child, you can predict their behaviors and you can decide how to respond thoughtfully before the behavior actually occurs; you can experiment with different responses. The point is to RESPOND and not REACT.

4) Maintain emotional constancy (spoken of earlier on this blog site)--your ability to remain relatively calm will have an influence on your children over time

5) Make sure you and your partner are on the same page. If you are a single parent make sure that you and the other care givers (grandparents, other parents, teachers) are pushing in the same direction

6) Active listening; give your child full attention, repeat back to them what you heard, seek to understand their perspective

There is obviously more to it, but these steps will prepare you for the road of potholes that raising a teenager can feel like. Taking these steps will help you get some perspective and maintain maneuverability in both minor and major conflicts that might arise with your child.

An organization worthy of your attention and support

http://www.warchild.org/index.html

Listen Up

For us parents listening is hard. Let's be honest. We think we know what our kids need and want, and so why take the time to sit and listen to them. Actually seeking to understand without interruption or editing. We're busy, we're stressed, we're fixing dinner or paying bills; so who has time to listen. Much less look for the sometimes subtle signs that our kids want to be heard. I am as bad about this as anyone else. I may be taking my son to school with the radio on, or getting home from work and robotically asking 'Do you have any homework?' but not really asking him how are things, what's going on in your life, tell me something about your day. I may be preparing dinner and as my daughter is trying to get my attention I attempt to gently blow her off because 'can't you see, daddy is busy'.

We need to listen. We need to be active in finding those times when our children want our attention to communicate what they think and feel. These moments don't always arrive on a schedule. We need to develop habits of putting our secondary work down and focus on our primary work, developing and growing our children. It takes time and it is inconvenient. By the time our children become middle teens they have picked up our habits and our patterns. They have conformed themselves to our refusal to be distracted by their need to communicate....and they stop communicating. Then it's our turn to complain about how my teen doesn't communicate.

I have to constantly remind myself to turn off the tv, turn down the radio, delay getting dinner started and turn toward my child, sit if I can to look them in the face, and ask them to tell me what they want. And listen. They know I am listening because I am looking at them, my arms are in my lap or at my side, and I can repeat back to them what I just heard them say. I can show my interest in their thoughts and feelings. This pattern, this habit, will pay off big time as they grow up. That doesn't mean that your teen will be 'Mr. Communication' all the time but it does mean that somewhere in there they know how to speak and listen.

So, Listen Up!

You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.--John Kabat-Zinn

I read that quote the other day while getting a presentation together. It's a nifty little nugget of truth. Acceptance of what is is hard. As parents we live in a world full of danger and risk, we watch as our children, especially our teens, venture out into that world. We want to keep them safe, protected, innocent....but we cannot. We can choose to rage, rage at the world and its uncontrollable, unpredictable and, in the end, inevitable influence upon our children or like the surfer, we can find ways to make it work for us and our children. We can accept reality; the reality of growth (often in ways we didn't for see), the reality of difference (our children are not us), the reality of risk. But we can also engage in that reality. We can at once shelter each other (as Mary Pipher so eloquently explores) and support each other in the journey into the world. Preparing to take part, to have influence upon while at the same time being influenced by reality.

We can do this by developing a family culture which embraces the world but also sees the world as a work in progress or a project; a project that we can influence. We are in the end co creators of our reality.

Surf's Up!

Co-Parenting

Co-Parenting by the way was a hot concept a few years ago. Doesn't seem to get as much press lately (or maybe I'm not paying attention). Co-parenting is the process by which divorced or separated parents become an effective parenting team. Either resolving old issues in order to work together as parents or putting unresolved issues aside for the same purpose. I get cynical about divorced parents from time to time but when I think about it I am impressed by how many divorced parents I meet or work with who are in the co-parenting mode. I've met many divorced parents over the years who are actually better friends with each other post divorce. When I meet these parents I heap praise upon them. Whether they had it in mind or not, they are doing a huge favor for their children by treating each other kindly, equally and even lovingly.

These parents get it, either consciously or subconsciously, that how they treat each other, talk to and about each other, has a direct link to how their children perceive their place in the family, their connection to mom and dad and their sense of self esteem.

For parents who are seeking to get into the co-parenting process the first step is to talk about it. It may help to have a family therapist or mediator involved but it's not absolutely necessary as long as there is a desire. The only assumption one need make is that the other parent loves the kids and wants what's best for them. It also helps to not view the process as an opportunity to fix or resolve all the old issues.

The best book I've seen on Co-Parenting is the classic: FAMILIES APART: 10 Keys to Successful Co-Parenting by Melinda Blau. Still available on Amazon.com by the way.

Try Co-Parenting

(I don't like to wag the finger too much, so please forgive me for any shrill tone picked up in the post.)

Here's to divorced parents who can sit in the same room and talk about how to help their child. Here's to step parents who don't view the former spouse as a threat. Here's to parents, biological and step, who place the needs of their children above their own self pity, anger, sense of betrayal and all the other emotions that divorced or divorcing parents feel.

I met a family for the first time last night. The identified client is a 15 yr old boy who just 'graduated' from a very well regarded addiction program. In the room was the client, the mother, the step father and the father. No one hid the fact that even after many years there were still unresolved issues from the divorce but all present were focused on how they could help the client. The parents and the client were able to talk civilly and even spontaneously to one another. No teeth pulling here. Not only did they want to help but all present acknowledged that they needed to make their own personal changes if the client was to be successful. No one's perfect but these folks are grappling with how to effectively co-parent.

Separated, divorcing and divorced parents are well advised to remember that the experience of parents separating is a traumatic event for a child; even for a teenager. Even the most amicable divorce can be like an earthquake in the life of a child. Often during the initial separation, a period of time where parents are bitter and angry with each other, separating moms and dads are likely to verbalize their hurt feelings, insulting the other parent within ear shot of the child. This is damaging to the child. At a basic level children know that they are 'of' their parents; both of them. If they hear disparaging remarks about the mother or father, it's as if those remarks are about themselves. This is hugely damaging to their sense of self and will have a lasting negative influence. Even into adulthood.

So divorcing parents....buck up. Get your head out of your narcissistic self interests. You decided to have children and despite the failure of your marital relationship you have another relationship that you cannot permit to fail. You have the permanent relationship as parents. You are connected whether you like it or not. So figure out a way to communicate about your children directly with each other. Figure out a way to get on the same page with discipline and expectations. Figure out a way to not communicate through the children, but directly with each other as painful and as awkward as that may be. You owe it to your children to do this. The price of infantile self-centeredness is too steep. And the reward of your children realizing that despite the failure of your marriage you still love them and you do not blame them for the divorce is truly priceless and very much worth the effort.

OK, sorry for the temper tantrum.

Give 'Em Enough Rope

Trust is often the topic of the day between a teen and his or her parents. As children develop into adolescents they are also beginning to become more self aware and see that they have their own mind, lives, decisions that are distinct from their parents. For us parents this can be tricky and scary. Regardless of how we yearn for the closeness we had when our baby was, well, a baby, the fact is there is a distance forming; and it's a distance of necessity. Trust means giving our children space to make decisions, learn and grow. It doesn't mean 'letting go' but maybe taking a step back. Being vigilant and aware, but not being quick to fix a problem or overly protect our sweeties from life's edges. As teens grow the natural consequences of their actions should be allowed to play out.

For your child to become an adult they will need to begin to think, decide and act for themselves. They will need space. They will make mistakes, bad decisions and, worst of all, they will place themselves at risk. This period of development, from childhood to adulthood, is adolescence. During this time boundaries change, relationships change and often this change leaves the parent grieving for the child their teen once was. This is an understandable reaction but if it is overly indulged then the parent is likely to over react, creating additional conflict and possibly extreme rebellion/reaction on the part of the teen. This dance of relational position is at times delicate and nuanced and at times thunderous and clanky. But it is a dance, and requires of the parent non-rigid thinking, emotional and intellectual dexterity and a strategy focused on the long term growth and development of the child/teen.

Trust is both given, earned, rescinded, earned back, given again, lost, gained etc etc. Trust is not static. In a crude way the old saying, "Give em enough rope" applies (but not to hang themselves). Give them enough space to learn but be ready to take action if necessary.

Let Grief Happen

Being the parent to a grieving child is a huge challenge. The last thing we want to do is have to explain death, especially to our younger children. Children as young as 4 and 5 often don't really understand what death is. Explaining the end of life to someone at it's beginning may be near impossible.
I have recently worked with a mother who's 5 year old niece died of complications from chemo therapy. She has her own children, a 6 and 7 year old boy and girl, who are very close to the deceased cousin. I say 'are' and not 'were' because their relationship doesn't simply end because their cousin died. They will continue to relate to her in their own way. The mother brought them to see me because she had noticed increased crying spells, clingy-ness, and mood swings. The kids are sleeping with her since the cousins death and she wonders if this is healthy. Her daughter talks about 'wishing' that the cousin would come back or asked if they pray to God enough will that bring the loved cousin back to life. The cousin died only 4 days ago after over 10 days in the hospital on life support. The whole family is exhausted.
This was 'easy' for me. I gently informed the mother that what she was reporting was 'normal' (awful word) and that she could expect more of these types of behaviors, off and on, into the future. Her children will naturally grieve at their own pace. If certain behaviors go on and intensify and interfere with life then there may be a need for some extra help but they are no where near that point. I also explored her own feelings about the death and encouraged her to take care of her self too.
Parents out of love want the pain to go away. This can lead to thinking of a child's grief as a problem to be fixed. Watching your own child struggle with loss and its cruel permanence can seem unbearable. But parents can bare it and can guide their children through this difficult time. Mostly this involves letting the process happen. Answer questions, ask how they are feeling, show your own emotions, encourage conversations about what they remember and miss about the lost loved one. Live life but don't shove death under the rug.

Just like adult grief, when a child is experiencing grief it should not be thought of as a pathological event. Grief, loss and sadness are a part of life and unfortunately children experience these things too. Of course part of the challenge is that the parent her or his self is also going through their own sense of loss and hurt over the same death and may feel unable to 'be there' for their grieving child.

Children are more open to spirituality than adults. This natural awareness that there is a reality bigger than their own is a major strength. Tapping into your spiritual tradition is one strategy to help deal with grief. Encouraging your children to talk to your pastor, rabbi or pastoral counselor (or other spiritually inclined individuals) about their feelings can also be useful.

The take home message here is let the process of grief happen. Be there but don't panic when your child expresses their feelings and has questions about death.

What an opportunity as a parent to help your child gain a more full understanding of life and its preciousness!