Time to get up.

Back to school. If you are like me there is a combination of relief and apprehension. Kids go back on a schedule and their days are presumably filled with learning, development and friend making. But we've had a great summer in the Brinson household so I am a little sorry to see it all end. Back to getting up early, making breakfast and lunches, getting the little one to the bus, carpooling the big one, making sure homework gets done, staying in touch with school, going to PTO meetings, enforcing bedtime, reading along with my first grader and paying attention. That 'paying attention' is the real hard part. It's easy to go on auto pilot once we adjust to our new schedule. But paying attention is more than half the battle. Paying attention to my children's moods, worries and performance at school. Taking advantage of whatever communication the school offers. Last year, for some reason, I dreaded looking at my son's schools website communication which had his weekly assignments and grades. It's a great tool really. This year I am committed to avoiding avoidance and facing my fears....which are usually unfounded. Usually.

Signs and Symptoms of Teen Depression

Summer is coming to a close. Seems like there is less and less summer with the passing of each year. For emotionally vulnerable teens summer break can cut both ways. On the one hand there is less pressure, academic and social, and these adolescents seem to need less mental health care in the summer months (teen therapists are less busy and teen hospital units are not at capacity). On the other hand, especially for kids in unstable homes or suffering from critical socio-economic factors, the school year does provide structure, supervision and nutrition that is not necessarily available at home.

With the new school year practically here I thought it would be handy to review some of the Signs and Symptoms of Depression in Adolescents.

Here are some things to look for:

• Increased sadness and loneliness


• Easily irritated or angered


• Frequent mood swings


• Increased tearfulness and crying


• Withdrawal from friends and family


• Loss of interest in activities


• Changes in eating and sleeping habits


• Loss of weight


• Restlessness and agitation


• Feelings of worthlessness and guilt


• Lack of motivation or enthusiasm


• Lack of Energy


• Difficulty paying attention or concentrating

• Self harming behaviors (cutting, burning etc.)


• Thoughts of death and suicide

All teens (all people for that matter) experience all of these from time to time. The trick is to look for signs and symptoms that appear persistent. We all have mood changes that are fleeting but when a dark mood combined with one or more of the symptoms above persists for more than a few weeks it is time to seek help.

Pay attention. Adolescent don't always communicate directly about how they are feeling. Often it's in their actions that they are speaking to you.

Mindfulness journal

In my private practice I have begun to use 'Mindfulness' with several clients and with myself. Mindfulness is simply the practice of being aware of the moment. I typically practice by focusing on my breath, in and out, and I count from 1 to 10 then back again. Simply focusing on the air as it enters and leaves my body. As thoughts, judgments and feelings intrude I let them pass without pushing and gently refocus on my breath. There are infinite ways to practice but this seems to work best for me.
Mindfulness has helped me and my clients I think. It also seems to be helping in my own parenting. I find myself slower to anger and frustration and more 'in the moment' observing my thoughts and feelings without having to act on them.

I am keeping a journal in order to help me be disciplined about the practice. See below.

6/11/09

948-954: Counted breaths 1 to 10. Attempting to focus on the awareness of air leaving and entering my body. Interrupted by outside sounds and thoughts of today’s business. Attempted to gently refocus on breaths. Lost count and went back to 1 on a couple of occasions. Also considered my body in space, in the chair, but detached as well. Kept eyes closed mostly as a way of reinforcing focus on breathing. Attempted awareness over thinking. Still having a problem with this concept.




6/12/09

804-808: with client: focused on awareness of body in space; in contact with chair or couch, in addition to breath entering and exiting body. During the practice I began a ‘body scan’ from feet on upward and lost focus on breath…..but that’s ok. Some of my clients have found this a useful way to begin our sessions. I think it’s useful for both of us.


6/15/09

854-903: Counted breaths, 1 to 10; mind tended to wonder to how I would use mindfulness with clients this week, brought attention back to breaths. Remember what Kabat-Zinn said about awareness and ‘proprioception’ and how I ‘know’ where my body is in space. Also thought about not trying to breath deep but just breath and observe how my body knows to breath. Kept on coming back to breaths. Went a little longer than usual today.

Proprioception — from Latin proprius, meaning "one's own," and perception — is one of the human senses. There are between nine and 21 in all, depending on which sense researcher you ask. Rather than sensing external reality, proprioception is the sense of the orientation of one's limbs in space. This is distinct from the sense of balance, which derives from the fluids in the inner ear, and is called equilibrioception. Proprioception is what police officers test when they pull someone over and suspect drunkenness. Without proprioception, we'd need to consciously watch our feet to make sure that we stay upright while walking.
6/16/09

1006-1012: with client, focused on aural awareness, let sounds enter the ear; street sounds are prevalent but also, underneath, are the sounds of the a/c and the computer, humming. Without the focus of counting breaths intrusive thoughts were a little more prevalent.

6/30/09

902-908: with loratab client, counting breaths 1 to 10 and back again; wondering if this guy is going to make it, then back to breathing, random thoughts, then back to breathing. Then focus on the breath for a few moments, that’s all, then the noise, cars, computer etc.

7/6/09

802-810: with client, counting breaths, found it difficult to focus, mind kept wandering to business concerns, getting paid etc. Judgments creeped in.

7/18/09

950-10: after run, still sweating and breathing heavy, tried listening to modern chamber music, tried to just focus on the music, eyes closed, then open, then closed again. Kept on thinking what a beautiful day, cool with a slight breeze, nice. Then brought focus back to music. It was hard, too many other stimuli I guess.

Summer, laziness, camp and spontaneity

I've been lazy with the posts. It is summer time after all. As a parent I have always been a little too anxious about how my kids are spending their free time. Should it be structured, learning rich, safe.....or, should it be free, laid back and at their pace. This Summer I am trying to 'let go' of 'all structure, all the time.' With so much to suck up a kid's attention from tv, to gameboy to video games I have to occasionally step in to say 'go play outside' but I must admit that this summer I've been much more hands off. Here's what I've noticed. When left to their own devices my kids and their friends will do all sorts of things without me having to be the recreation director. They may play game boy, while they are watching The Simpsons reruns and then spontaneously all decide to go out side and have a water fight. And then they are back in to destroy the play room. It's beautiful. And all I have to do is make sure they are safe without being heavy handed. It really is wonderful to sit in the background and just listen to a bunch of kids (in this case ages 5 to 12) just having lazy fun. It's the payoff in my quest to be a more 'mindful' parent.

It's not that I am against planned activities, but having some weeks that are down time and some that are camp seems like it has been a good combination. It also leaves room for spontaneity. We've been on an impromptu canoe trip and a neighbor invited my kids at the last minute to go on a 'river cruise' in Ashland City (north of Nashville).

Both my kids begin two weeks of camp tomorrow (she will be in her first day camp and he will be going to over-night camp). It should be a nice break for us but I don't think it will take long for us to miss 'listening in' to all the goings on in the play room.

The Gift of Being Taken for Granted

Don't you hate being taken for granted?   When I was a younger social worker working in a community mental health center, many many years ago,  I had a sign on my desk: "Will work for Acknowledgement."    It was just a joke, sort of.    

As parents we complain about being taken for granted.    We complain that our children don't appreciate us and all the hard work we do for them day in and day out.   We want acknowledgement.   We want to be told 'thanks mom (or dad) for fixing me a delicious lunch, or taking me to the doctor, or letting me live in this great house!'    But we usually aren't told.   We may teach our children to be grateful.  But this is just good manners,  not the same as true appreciation. 

Well, here's the thing.   Children who take their parents for granted are in pretty good shape.  That means that the kids don't even have to think 'Will there be dinner on the table tonight?' or 'Will dad make my lunch this morning?' or 'Will mom be sober enough to read me a story at bed time?' or 'Will I be seeing dad.....ever?'

Children who are in a situation to NOT take their parents for granted are essentially in a dangerous or neglectful environment.   By our very nature we take things for   granted when they occur regularly and consistently.   Just ask any husband of a loving wife or vice a versa.   

So, the next time you are feeling put upon by your offspring consider this, being taken for granted is a gift.    It's the gift of knowing that your children know in their bones you will be there.   It's like the air they breath.

Everything you’ve learned in school as ‘obvious’ becomes less and less obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no solids in the universe. There’s not even the suggestion of a solid. There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no straight lines.

R. Buckminster Fuller

Banish Wishful Thinking or Let go of Hope

Part of being mindful as a parent is accepting reality as it is, not as we wish it to be. This is hard because our ability (or habit) to engage in wishful thinking about our family or children or jobs or whatever is persistent. This form of denial is powerful because it doesn't seem like denial. It seems more like 'hope'. And what's wrong with hope, right? Whether Hope or Denial, wishful thinking prevents us from being present in the moment, from acceptance and from taking appropriate action when necessary.
When our children are acting out in any number of ways we often secretly hope or wish it will not happen again. If we banished wishful thinking we would know that in all likelihood it will happen again and we can prepare for it. We can strategically plan what our response will be, we can experiment with different responses and consequences. We can take a more detached and less personalized perspective on our child's problem behaviors. Accepting what is going on with out false hope or wishful thinking is actually freeing. It frees us to think things out, think strategically and prepare. If we know that our child is going to act out in some way then when it happens we are not caught off guard and we see that it is not a crisis but another opportunity to help our child learn.

Picking Your Battles and Letting Go

As we raise children we notice that the environment is 'target rich' for parental intervention. Part of learning to be an effective parent is learning how to discern between what needs to be attended to and what needs to be let alone.

If parents confront every problem behavior they end up exhausted and ineffectual and the child is taught that there is very little to distinguish between mild negative behaviors and serious negative behaviors. Everything becomes a battle.

Learning how to 'pick your battles' is easily talked about but sometimes hard to do. I often teach parents a simple rating system. Parents rate problem behaviors on a scale of 1 to 10. 10 being life threatening and 1 being merely irritating. If a particular behavior rates 6 or higher the parent 'takes action' and is willing to be firm and consistent and use whatever behavior modification skills she or he has learned. If the behavior rates a 5 or less the parents 'lets it alone.' There is no one size fits all solution but this technique can help parents who have become very frustrated at having to consistently get into it with their child or children.

This tactic fits in well with Strategic Parenting addressed elsewhere in this blog. My version is fairly simple but there are other versions of the same idea. One suggestion is Dr. Greene's book, "The Explosive Child." He introduced a slightly more sophisticated version of the same idea. This is also similar to what RIP (Regional Intervention Program) teaches.

Combining this tactic with 'catching your kid being good' is very powerful and usually quite effective.

something I read today and wanted to pass on

FRIENDLY WISHES
May I be filled with happiness
May I filled with love
May I have a good life
May I have wonderful dreams
And may I live in peace.
May the world be safe
May the world be in peace
May the world be a wonderful place
And may the world be a better place
-Afsafu

Punishment

Punishment is tempting. When our child misbehaves or does poorly in school or worse...lies, cheats, uses drugs etc punishment can have an emotional pay off for us the parents. We get to release our anger and disappointment, and feel as if we are doing something, taking action to fix the problem.

Sometimes punishment is necessary. Punishment is a form of communication. It says that 'this behavior is not acceptable'.

Punishment doesn't work. It doesn't work in the way we hope it will. It will not fix a problem or over the long run change behavior. It may over the short run, briefly.

Punishment can be a sign of 'lazy parenting'. Not to sound harsh, but if a parent is relying on punishment to affect behavior that means that either 1) the parent is not doing the hard stuff; maintaining consistency and constancy, providing a living example of good decision making, creating a healthy family culture and rewarding good behavior or 2) these things are being done only haphazardly.

When punishment is necessary it should be short and meaningful. It should have an beginning and an ending. Punishments should be known before the 'crime' occurs and not thought of in the moment. This ends up with either too harsh punishments or punishments that eventually have no meaning (You're grounded for 6 months!).

The next entry will outline one technique for improving and shaping more positive behaviors.