Healthy Parental Self Focus

I'd have to say that just about every parent I am currently working with has a big minus in their life. What is that minus, you may ask. Time for themselves. Time to not be totally focused either on work or being a parent. I know, I know....you are saying, "But Ed, when would I find the time to focus on me, to carve out time for myself, to set down the burdens of work and child rearing?" I never said it was easy....why would all of my parents not be doing it? It's just an observation.

One idea would be to think strategically, get a calendar or day planner out (or put one to use) and schedule time for yourself. 10 minutes here, 20 minutes there, perhaps even an hour somewhere else. If parents have partners they can work together to not only give each other nights off but to encourage each other to do something for themselves. Neighbors can do the same for each other.

Take a yoga class at the Y, join a book club, pray, learn some meditation techniques, go for a walk, shoot some hoops, read (but not about how to be a better parent...try a novel).......you get the point.

Balance in life is elusive but worth seeking. Some of the more saintly among us may cry foul. "We must put the children first!" etc etc. No one is suggesting abandonment here, but we do our children no favors when we abandon ourselves. Day in and day out we model for our children. That includes how we take care of ourselves. In the end parents who are able to eek out time for themselves are giving their children the gift of a more energized, focused and happier parent.

More than Love

Our kids can wear us out. When there are problems such as conflict, drug abuse, oppositional behaviors or poor communication it will take more than 'mere love' to improve the situation. Parents, in one way or another, will find themselves feeling helpless and maybe even hopeless in the face of these and similar problems. Many of the families I work with have been dealing with problems for a while and often feel that nothing they have tried has worked. Some of them are on the verge of giving up or giving in to the problem; live and let live.
It is at times like these that parents need to reinforce their inner resources. Parents need to remember that their physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health can not be sacrificed on the alter of self less parenthood. The road is long, the holes can be deep and parents need to be prepared. So how does one do that?

1) Think about your self--do what you can to have time for yourself on a regular basis

2) Develop a regular prayer, meditation or mindfulness practice--daily quiet time. There are a plethora of books about mindfulness. There is an excellent book on Mindful Parenting: Every Day Blessings by John Kabat-Zinn.

3) Think strategically--consider the problems you are having with your children strategically, just like you would if you were playing a game (it even helps to put on a 'gaming' attitude)--you know your child, you can predict their behaviors and you can decide how to respond thoughtfully before the behavior actually occurs; you can experiment with different responses. The point is to RESPOND and not REACT.

4) Maintain emotional constancy (spoken of earlier on this blog site)--your ability to remain relatively calm will have an influence on your children over time

5) Make sure you and your partner are on the same page. If you are a single parent make sure that you and the other care givers (grandparents, other parents, teachers) are pushing in the same direction

6) Active listening; give your child full attention, repeat back to them what you heard, seek to understand their perspective

There is obviously more to it, but these steps will prepare you for the road of potholes that raising a teenager can feel like. Taking these steps will help you get some perspective and maintain maneuverability in both minor and major conflicts that might arise with your child.