New Years Resolution: CONNECTION

On the eve of the eve of a New Year I am thinking about resolutions. With my clients lately I have been using this event, admitting it's a cliche, to suggest thinking of new beginnings, renewed efforts, enriched meanings in their lives. So many of my clients are lonely and disconnected. The social worker in me wants to get them 'out there', involved, volunteering, joining the gym, hiking trails, going to 'meet ups', meditating, in a word....connecting with something bigger than themselves.

Addiction is perhaps an over used word but I do think that when we pull back, isolate, cut our selves off, we open our selves up to our 'lesser angels'. I know this is true for me and my intuition (I've done no research on this) is that it's true for others. Many of us, perhaps all of us, deal with unfillable holes in ourselves. In the attempt to fill these we can easily turn, compulsively (addictively), to all sorts of unhealthy activities. So how do we attend to our fractured, incomplete selves, without falling into the addiction trap??

So my suggested New Years Resolution for all my clients and any one who stumbles across this blog is to find a way to connect with others. There are so many ways: take a yoga class, sign up to volunteer with Nashville Cares or Hands On Nashville, go to your church, temple, mosque or whatever is your cathedral, pray, meditate, talk to your neighbors, ask a friend to train with you for the country music marathon, call an old friend you haven't spoken with in years, join a cause (political, social justice, labor, environmental), join a book club.....you get the idea.

Let 2010 be the year of CONNECTION.

Explode with Happiness

My 6 year old daughter Camille: "Daddy, how many days until Christmas?"

Me: "Three sweetie."

Camille: "Only three more days 'til I explode with happiness!"

Setting a good example for Stress Management

The most effective way for helping your teen deal with stress and anxiety is to deal with your own stress and anxiety effectively.

That means doing the following: 1) get enough sleep, with enough sleep you have the 'shock absorbers' you need to handle the normal ups and downs and frustrations of your day; 2) eat right, your body is what feels the stress and if it's not getting its fuel it will not be able to go the distance; 3) exercise regularly (see #2); 4) develop a supportive network of friends and peers; 5) schedule time for 'doing nothing', recreation, down time; and 6) nurture a meaningful spiritual life, prayer and/or mindful meditation are good practices for managing and coping with stress.

In doing these things you are setting an example for your adolescent. Teaching your child by word and example to take care of themselves, set time aside to relax, make good, supportive, friendships and manage time effectively will provide them with tools to handle what has become a very stressful time of our life. On a downer note, stress that goes unaddressed and unresolved can lead to depression. Depression in adolescents, especially older adolescents, is dangerous. Suicide is the 3rd largest killer of our teens and the 2nd largest amongst college age students.

"There do in fact exist creators, seers, sages, saints, shakers, and movers...even if they are uncommon and do not come by the dozen. And yet these very same people can at times be boring, irritating, petulant, selfish, angry or depressed. To avoid disillusionment with human nature, we must first give up our illusions about it." -- Abraham Maslow

STRESSED OUT TEENS what the research shows

I've been asked to speak to a parent group at a local high school regarding Adolescent Stress. What stresses teens out? Well according to the research done by Johns Hopkins in Baltimore there are 5 big ones:

1) school work 2) parents 3) friends' problems 4) romantic relationships and 5) dealing with younger siblings (#5 changes to 'drugs in the neighborhood' for kids in poor and working class communities).

What is Stress? Researchers define stress as a physical, mental, or emotional response to events that causes bodily or mental tension. Simply put, stress is any outside force or event that has an effect on our body or mind. Sometimes stress may be hard to define, but we know it when we feel it (as long as we are paying attention). Stress is not 'bad'; Stress helps us to deal with life’s challenges, to give our best performance, and to meet a tough situation with focus. When we are feeling excitement, whether it's because we are giving or watching an artistic performance, playing sports, watching a movie, skiing down a slope, we are feeling a type of stress. We seek some stress out.

The body’s stress response is important and necessary. However, when too much stress builds up, we may encounter many physical and emotional health problems. If we don’t deal with stress, the health problems can stay with us and worsen over the course of our life. Riding a roller coaster is fun once or twice, but what if you felt like you were unable to get off?

What are the signs and symptoms of stress? They can be seen in 5 domains: 1) physiological problems like aches, pains and fatigue; 2) emotional problems like depression, tearfulness, increased fragility, rage and anger, acting out and even violence; 3) relational problems like increased isolation, conflict and arguing with family and friends; 4) cognitive problems like forgetfulness and confusion and 5) spirituall problems such as feeling alone, disconnected, forgotten, empty and even suicidal.

When stress becomes a problem how do teens cope? The Baltimore study looked at this too.

1) They may give up sleep. This is especially true with high achievers or students in demanding schools. The problem is that teens really do need their sleep and studies have shown that lack of sleep has a direct effect on academic performance and testing. 2) They may try to escape their stress through avoidance, sleeping too much, drugs, entertainment and partying. 3) They may (we hope) seek out supportive and non judgmental peers or siblings. 4) They may act out by being more oppositional, argumentative and rebellious (in some cases we see teens resorting to self harm as a coping strategy) or 5) They may engage in increase physical activity, sports, and exercise.

The problem is that we (Parents, Counselors, Authority figures) are out to lunch. We tend to focus purely on the 'goals' of immediate or long term achievement; projects due, tests to study for, college prep etc. What we often do not do is non judgmentally listen, pay attention, listen, resist giving lectures and advice. And yet these are what can benefit stressed out teens the most.

In schools, even though these types of problems are recognized it is rare that stress management and coping strategies are woven into the curriculum. Or that parents are encouraged to learn more about how to handle their stressed out teen. Indeed, parents themselves are often under a great deal of their own stress without a clue of how to deal with it. (Part II will be Effective Stress Management Skills)

Friday. I love Friday. It gets extra points just for being Friday.

Meeting them where they are

In social work and counseling we are taught and encouraged to meet our clients 'where they are.' This is another way of saying we need to accept our clients where they are. We may wish that they were further along on some imaginary trajectory of progress or growth but that wishful thinking, as in just about all wishful thinking, will lead to trouble or worse. I am frequently guilty of this type of wishful thinking in both my practice and my own parenting. I am constantly having to mindfully reassess and readjust. Yesterday in particular I was working with a client and quite simply I was being un-mindful about what this client needed and where this client was on that trajectory. It was, upon reflection, a real dose of cold water reality for me. I think our next session will be more productive because I will be closer to where my client is.

This can happened with parenting too. I am in the midst of trying to help my daughter learn how to read. Every night we lay down on her bed and I ask her to read, usually a Dr. Seuss book or something similar. Sometimes she does great, sounding out the syllables, putting the sounds together and coming out with the word. Other times she's distracted, looking everywhere but the word and guessing. It's frustrating. I have to take a deep breath, not become reactionary, and be mindful of where she is. It's the end of the day, she's tired and this reading stuff seems an awful lot like work sometimes. But when I step back I also can see that where she is now is probably is where she's supposed to be. My wife's theory about reading is that is seems to suddenly click and they get it. That may be true but until the 'click' happens I am going to keep reminding myself to accept where my little girl is with her reading.

My 12 year old boy is a whole 'nother challenge and that's for another post.

'Enjoy every sandwich' Warren Zevon 1947-2003

Fake It 'Til You Make It

Here's a technique for getting through those moments when you are irritated, coming unglued or just plain losing your cool. It's called 'Half Smile' technique. Try it. Gently raise the corners of your mouth upward. Not too much. Be subtle. Apparently this action will cause biochemical changes that can mediate your mood. Try it. Notice what happens.
The next time your spouse, partner, teen, or toddler is about to drive you nuts, let a gentle secret smile arise and see if the volume dial doesn't get dial back a notch or too.
It beats taking a smoke break.

Tashlikh Prayer; Let Us Cast Away...

They handed this out at my church last Sunday. Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish New Year and this prayer is said at the end of Rosh Hashanah (I think);

Let us cast away the sin of deception, so that we will mislead no one in word or deed, nor pretend to be what we are not.

Let us cast away the sin of vain ambition which prompts us to strive fro goals which bring neither true fulfillment nor genuine contentment.

Let us cast away the sin of stubbornness, so that we will neither persist in foolish habits nor fail to acknowledge our will to change.

Let us cast away the sin of envy, so that we will neither be consumed by desire for what we lack nor grow unmindful of the blessings which are already ours.

Let us cast away the sin of selfishness, which keeps us from enriching our lives through wider concerns, and greater sharing, and from reaching out in love to other human beings.

Let us cast away the sin of indifference, so that we may be sensitive to the sufferings of others and responsive to the needs of our people everywhere.

Let us cast away the sins of pride and arrogance, so that we may worship and serve our highest purposes in humility and in truth.

Childhood Unbound

I am reading an interesting new book on parenting. The author is Ron Taffel. Taffel is a therapist and a writer/thinker on family issues. I have always found him insightful and jargon free. The book is entitled Childhood Unbound and the premise is that there has been a major shift in the way we rear our children, the way children and adolescents experience the world around them and though these changes may seem frightening there is more good than bad in them. Taffel suggests that the 'generation gap' has disappeared but has been replaced by the the tendency to seek both separation and closeness within families. He points out that adults raising children today have much more in common with their children than our parents had with us. This is an excellent companion book to Staying Connected to Your Teenager by Michael Riera.
I highly recommend this to parents and therapists alike who are trying to figure it all out.

Childhood Unbound by Ron Taffel, PhD

Katrina Four Years On

It's been four years since Katrina battered the Gulf Coast and created the situation for New Orleans to be deluged. There has been progress but much remains to be done. In New Orleans life seems to be coming back (at least in the French Quarter, Garden District and Uptown areas). Wander off the beaten path and it is clear that there is much re-construction still needed.

Please keep the folks of New Orleans and the Gulf Coast in your thoughts and prayers this week. One coping skill I teach is to develop a 'Gratitude List'. Even those of us who are dealing with a long list of problems always have blessings in our life. When we contemplate the people of New Orleans and the Gulf Coast and what they went through, what they lost and what they will never get back it can help put our struggles in perspective. This is not to say that our struggles are trivial or less meaningful, it is simply to gain perspective on our suffering.

Street Yoga

I heard this on the radio (NPR) today. Yoga and Mindfulness is not just for the professional class. Go listen for yourself. http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=112293295

August 30, 2009
Street Yoga sounds like a do-gooder's nirvana — it's an organization that teaches yoga to youths and families facing homelessness and other struggles. Based in Portland, Ore., Street Yoga runs two-day training programs across the United States, including a recent one in Washington, D.C.
The 40 or so trainees — all of them lithe, lovely yoga people — included social workers, a psychologist, medical students and some mental health care workers. They were asked to role-play rowdy homeless teenagers in a yoga class.
Everyone was assigned parts. Some were hyperactive, jumping up and down, while others pretended to sleep on their mats. They chatted loudly on their cell phones and chased each other around the room in a scene of sheer pandemonium.

Enlarge Courtesy of Campbell Salgado Studio
Kelli Kessler May is one of the Street Yoga instructors.
Courtesy of Campbell Salgado Studio
Kelli Kessler May is one of the Street Yoga instructors.
"That was the most intense yoga I've ever, ever led," confessed Dani Berav, who volunteered to teach the class. She had spent the previous evening planning a class she hoped would communicate yoga's deep life lessons. None of it worked.
But Street Yoga founder Mark Lilly has taught classes like that in real life. He thinks yoga should not be reserved for yuppies. His students include children so severely abused that they have brain damage from being hit.
"There'd be kids shaking, literally shaking, with big bruises," he says. "They would run across the room and try to punch the staff person. They would spit on another kid or provoke a fight, or they would curl up in a ball and start crying."
Lilly admits that it will take more than a few downward dogs to change these lives. But he says yoga gives some measure of order, strength and balance to people living in indescribably dysfunctional worlds. And — it doesn't require any costly equipment.
Street Yoga bases the training on just seven yogic poses, including the challenging "crow pose." Lilly says most kids can master it in a couple of weeks, which gives them a rare feeling of success.
Social worker Katie Arrants is Lilly's co-teacher. She says it's vital to set firm, compassionate ground rules when leading yoga classes for disadvantaged youth.
"Whether it's a comment about someone's ass in the air — I can't let that fly," she told the trainees. "That's not safe in my class."
Arrants has to be flexible in many ways: She must follow the rules of the programs where she teaches yoga. Some have a no-touch policy. Others disallow kids' drowsing on the yoga mat.
Erin O'Reilly works at a program for sexually abused kids that has partnered with Street Yoga for about five years.
"Many of our kids disassociate to the point of reporting not having any feeling in their bodies," she says. But yoga gives them a chance to connect with and trust with their own bodies.
"They feel powerful," she says. "They feel strong."
Now, Street Yoga is developing programs with social workers that teach mindfulness in moments of crisis. Lilly offers one example: that moment when a parent is right on the edge of abusing his or her kids. Through Street Yoga, parents can learn tools to center, calm and control themselves.
"We're really trying to break in at those critical half-seconds," Lilly says, "to see if we can stay people's hands and keep lives from completely unraveling."

Time to get up.

Back to school. If you are like me there is a combination of relief and apprehension. Kids go back on a schedule and their days are presumably filled with learning, development and friend making. But we've had a great summer in the Brinson household so I am a little sorry to see it all end. Back to getting up early, making breakfast and lunches, getting the little one to the bus, carpooling the big one, making sure homework gets done, staying in touch with school, going to PTO meetings, enforcing bedtime, reading along with my first grader and paying attention. That 'paying attention' is the real hard part. It's easy to go on auto pilot once we adjust to our new schedule. But paying attention is more than half the battle. Paying attention to my children's moods, worries and performance at school. Taking advantage of whatever communication the school offers. Last year, for some reason, I dreaded looking at my son's schools website communication which had his weekly assignments and grades. It's a great tool really. This year I am committed to avoiding avoidance and facing my fears....which are usually unfounded. Usually.

Signs and Symptoms of Teen Depression

Summer is coming to a close. Seems like there is less and less summer with the passing of each year. For emotionally vulnerable teens summer break can cut both ways. On the one hand there is less pressure, academic and social, and these adolescents seem to need less mental health care in the summer months (teen therapists are less busy and teen hospital units are not at capacity). On the other hand, especially for kids in unstable homes or suffering from critical socio-economic factors, the school year does provide structure, supervision and nutrition that is not necessarily available at home.

With the new school year practically here I thought it would be handy to review some of the Signs and Symptoms of Depression in Adolescents.

Here are some things to look for:

• Increased sadness and loneliness


• Easily irritated or angered


• Frequent mood swings


• Increased tearfulness and crying


• Withdrawal from friends and family


• Loss of interest in activities


• Changes in eating and sleeping habits


• Loss of weight


• Restlessness and agitation


• Feelings of worthlessness and guilt


• Lack of motivation or enthusiasm


• Lack of Energy


• Difficulty paying attention or concentrating

• Self harming behaviors (cutting, burning etc.)


• Thoughts of death and suicide

All teens (all people for that matter) experience all of these from time to time. The trick is to look for signs and symptoms that appear persistent. We all have mood changes that are fleeting but when a dark mood combined with one or more of the symptoms above persists for more than a few weeks it is time to seek help.

Pay attention. Adolescent don't always communicate directly about how they are feeling. Often it's in their actions that they are speaking to you.

Mindfulness journal

In my private practice I have begun to use 'Mindfulness' with several clients and with myself. Mindfulness is simply the practice of being aware of the moment. I typically practice by focusing on my breath, in and out, and I count from 1 to 10 then back again. Simply focusing on the air as it enters and leaves my body. As thoughts, judgments and feelings intrude I let them pass without pushing and gently refocus on my breath. There are infinite ways to practice but this seems to work best for me.
Mindfulness has helped me and my clients I think. It also seems to be helping in my own parenting. I find myself slower to anger and frustration and more 'in the moment' observing my thoughts and feelings without having to act on them.

I am keeping a journal in order to help me be disciplined about the practice. See below.

6/11/09

948-954: Counted breaths 1 to 10. Attempting to focus on the awareness of air leaving and entering my body. Interrupted by outside sounds and thoughts of today’s business. Attempted to gently refocus on breaths. Lost count and went back to 1 on a couple of occasions. Also considered my body in space, in the chair, but detached as well. Kept eyes closed mostly as a way of reinforcing focus on breathing. Attempted awareness over thinking. Still having a problem with this concept.




6/12/09

804-808: with client: focused on awareness of body in space; in contact with chair or couch, in addition to breath entering and exiting body. During the practice I began a ‘body scan’ from feet on upward and lost focus on breath…..but that’s ok. Some of my clients have found this a useful way to begin our sessions. I think it’s useful for both of us.


6/15/09

854-903: Counted breaths, 1 to 10; mind tended to wonder to how I would use mindfulness with clients this week, brought attention back to breaths. Remember what Kabat-Zinn said about awareness and ‘proprioception’ and how I ‘know’ where my body is in space. Also thought about not trying to breath deep but just breath and observe how my body knows to breath. Kept on coming back to breaths. Went a little longer than usual today.

Proprioception — from Latin proprius, meaning "one's own," and perception — is one of the human senses. There are between nine and 21 in all, depending on which sense researcher you ask. Rather than sensing external reality, proprioception is the sense of the orientation of one's limbs in space. This is distinct from the sense of balance, which derives from the fluids in the inner ear, and is called equilibrioception. Proprioception is what police officers test when they pull someone over and suspect drunkenness. Without proprioception, we'd need to consciously watch our feet to make sure that we stay upright while walking.
6/16/09

1006-1012: with client, focused on aural awareness, let sounds enter the ear; street sounds are prevalent but also, underneath, are the sounds of the a/c and the computer, humming. Without the focus of counting breaths intrusive thoughts were a little more prevalent.

6/30/09

902-908: with loratab client, counting breaths 1 to 10 and back again; wondering if this guy is going to make it, then back to breathing, random thoughts, then back to breathing. Then focus on the breath for a few moments, that’s all, then the noise, cars, computer etc.

7/6/09

802-810: with client, counting breaths, found it difficult to focus, mind kept wandering to business concerns, getting paid etc. Judgments creeped in.

7/18/09

950-10: after run, still sweating and breathing heavy, tried listening to modern chamber music, tried to just focus on the music, eyes closed, then open, then closed again. Kept on thinking what a beautiful day, cool with a slight breeze, nice. Then brought focus back to music. It was hard, too many other stimuli I guess.

Summer, laziness, camp and spontaneity

I've been lazy with the posts. It is summer time after all. As a parent I have always been a little too anxious about how my kids are spending their free time. Should it be structured, learning rich, safe.....or, should it be free, laid back and at their pace. This Summer I am trying to 'let go' of 'all structure, all the time.' With so much to suck up a kid's attention from tv, to gameboy to video games I have to occasionally step in to say 'go play outside' but I must admit that this summer I've been much more hands off. Here's what I've noticed. When left to their own devices my kids and their friends will do all sorts of things without me having to be the recreation director. They may play game boy, while they are watching The Simpsons reruns and then spontaneously all decide to go out side and have a water fight. And then they are back in to destroy the play room. It's beautiful. And all I have to do is make sure they are safe without being heavy handed. It really is wonderful to sit in the background and just listen to a bunch of kids (in this case ages 5 to 12) just having lazy fun. It's the payoff in my quest to be a more 'mindful' parent.

It's not that I am against planned activities, but having some weeks that are down time and some that are camp seems like it has been a good combination. It also leaves room for spontaneity. We've been on an impromptu canoe trip and a neighbor invited my kids at the last minute to go on a 'river cruise' in Ashland City (north of Nashville).

Both my kids begin two weeks of camp tomorrow (she will be in her first day camp and he will be going to over-night camp). It should be a nice break for us but I don't think it will take long for us to miss 'listening in' to all the goings on in the play room.

The Gift of Being Taken for Granted

Don't you hate being taken for granted?   When I was a younger social worker working in a community mental health center, many many years ago,  I had a sign on my desk: "Will work for Acknowledgement."    It was just a joke, sort of.    

As parents we complain about being taken for granted.    We complain that our children don't appreciate us and all the hard work we do for them day in and day out.   We want acknowledgement.   We want to be told 'thanks mom (or dad) for fixing me a delicious lunch, or taking me to the doctor, or letting me live in this great house!'    But we usually aren't told.   We may teach our children to be grateful.  But this is just good manners,  not the same as true appreciation. 

Well, here's the thing.   Children who take their parents for granted are in pretty good shape.  That means that the kids don't even have to think 'Will there be dinner on the table tonight?' or 'Will dad make my lunch this morning?' or 'Will mom be sober enough to read me a story at bed time?' or 'Will I be seeing dad.....ever?'

Children who are in a situation to NOT take their parents for granted are essentially in a dangerous or neglectful environment.   By our very nature we take things for   granted when they occur regularly and consistently.   Just ask any husband of a loving wife or vice a versa.   

So, the next time you are feeling put upon by your offspring consider this, being taken for granted is a gift.    It's the gift of knowing that your children know in their bones you will be there.   It's like the air they breath.

Everything you’ve learned in school as ‘obvious’ becomes less and less obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no solids in the universe. There’s not even the suggestion of a solid. There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no straight lines.

R. Buckminster Fuller

Banish Wishful Thinking or Let go of Hope

Part of being mindful as a parent is accepting reality as it is, not as we wish it to be. This is hard because our ability (or habit) to engage in wishful thinking about our family or children or jobs or whatever is persistent. This form of denial is powerful because it doesn't seem like denial. It seems more like 'hope'. And what's wrong with hope, right? Whether Hope or Denial, wishful thinking prevents us from being present in the moment, from acceptance and from taking appropriate action when necessary.
When our children are acting out in any number of ways we often secretly hope or wish it will not happen again. If we banished wishful thinking we would know that in all likelihood it will happen again and we can prepare for it. We can strategically plan what our response will be, we can experiment with different responses and consequences. We can take a more detached and less personalized perspective on our child's problem behaviors. Accepting what is going on with out false hope or wishful thinking is actually freeing. It frees us to think things out, think strategically and prepare. If we know that our child is going to act out in some way then when it happens we are not caught off guard and we see that it is not a crisis but another opportunity to help our child learn.

Picking Your Battles and Letting Go

As we raise children we notice that the environment is 'target rich' for parental intervention. Part of learning to be an effective parent is learning how to discern between what needs to be attended to and what needs to be let alone.

If parents confront every problem behavior they end up exhausted and ineffectual and the child is taught that there is very little to distinguish between mild negative behaviors and serious negative behaviors. Everything becomes a battle.

Learning how to 'pick your battles' is easily talked about but sometimes hard to do. I often teach parents a simple rating system. Parents rate problem behaviors on a scale of 1 to 10. 10 being life threatening and 1 being merely irritating. If a particular behavior rates 6 or higher the parent 'takes action' and is willing to be firm and consistent and use whatever behavior modification skills she or he has learned. If the behavior rates a 5 or less the parents 'lets it alone.' There is no one size fits all solution but this technique can help parents who have become very frustrated at having to consistently get into it with their child or children.

This tactic fits in well with Strategic Parenting addressed elsewhere in this blog. My version is fairly simple but there are other versions of the same idea. One suggestion is Dr. Greene's book, "The Explosive Child." He introduced a slightly more sophisticated version of the same idea. This is also similar to what RIP (Regional Intervention Program) teaches.

Combining this tactic with 'catching your kid being good' is very powerful and usually quite effective.

something I read today and wanted to pass on

FRIENDLY WISHES
May I be filled with happiness
May I filled with love
May I have a good life
May I have wonderful dreams
And may I live in peace.
May the world be safe
May the world be in peace
May the world be a wonderful place
And may the world be a better place
-Afsafu

Punishment

Punishment is tempting. When our child misbehaves or does poorly in school or worse...lies, cheats, uses drugs etc punishment can have an emotional pay off for us the parents. We get to release our anger and disappointment, and feel as if we are doing something, taking action to fix the problem.

Sometimes punishment is necessary. Punishment is a form of communication. It says that 'this behavior is not acceptable'.

Punishment doesn't work. It doesn't work in the way we hope it will. It will not fix a problem or over the long run change behavior. It may over the short run, briefly.

Punishment can be a sign of 'lazy parenting'. Not to sound harsh, but if a parent is relying on punishment to affect behavior that means that either 1) the parent is not doing the hard stuff; maintaining consistency and constancy, providing a living example of good decision making, creating a healthy family culture and rewarding good behavior or 2) these things are being done only haphazardly.

When punishment is necessary it should be short and meaningful. It should have an beginning and an ending. Punishments should be known before the 'crime' occurs and not thought of in the moment. This ends up with either too harsh punishments or punishments that eventually have no meaning (You're grounded for 6 months!).

The next entry will outline one technique for improving and shaping more positive behaviors.

Healthy Parental Self Focus

I'd have to say that just about every parent I am currently working with has a big minus in their life. What is that minus, you may ask. Time for themselves. Time to not be totally focused either on work or being a parent. I know, I know....you are saying, "But Ed, when would I find the time to focus on me, to carve out time for myself, to set down the burdens of work and child rearing?" I never said it was easy....why would all of my parents not be doing it? It's just an observation.

One idea would be to think strategically, get a calendar or day planner out (or put one to use) and schedule time for yourself. 10 minutes here, 20 minutes there, perhaps even an hour somewhere else. If parents have partners they can work together to not only give each other nights off but to encourage each other to do something for themselves. Neighbors can do the same for each other.

Take a yoga class at the Y, join a book club, pray, learn some meditation techniques, go for a walk, shoot some hoops, read (but not about how to be a better parent...try a novel).......you get the point.

Balance in life is elusive but worth seeking. Some of the more saintly among us may cry foul. "We must put the children first!" etc etc. No one is suggesting abandonment here, but we do our children no favors when we abandon ourselves. Day in and day out we model for our children. That includes how we take care of ourselves. In the end parents who are able to eek out time for themselves are giving their children the gift of a more energized, focused and happier parent.

More than Love

Our kids can wear us out. When there are problems such as conflict, drug abuse, oppositional behaviors or poor communication it will take more than 'mere love' to improve the situation. Parents, in one way or another, will find themselves feeling helpless and maybe even hopeless in the face of these and similar problems. Many of the families I work with have been dealing with problems for a while and often feel that nothing they have tried has worked. Some of them are on the verge of giving up or giving in to the problem; live and let live.
It is at times like these that parents need to reinforce their inner resources. Parents need to remember that their physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health can not be sacrificed on the alter of self less parenthood. The road is long, the holes can be deep and parents need to be prepared. So how does one do that?

1) Think about your self--do what you can to have time for yourself on a regular basis

2) Develop a regular prayer, meditation or mindfulness practice--daily quiet time. There are a plethora of books about mindfulness. There is an excellent book on Mindful Parenting: Every Day Blessings by John Kabat-Zinn.

3) Think strategically--consider the problems you are having with your children strategically, just like you would if you were playing a game (it even helps to put on a 'gaming' attitude)--you know your child, you can predict their behaviors and you can decide how to respond thoughtfully before the behavior actually occurs; you can experiment with different responses. The point is to RESPOND and not REACT.

4) Maintain emotional constancy (spoken of earlier on this blog site)--your ability to remain relatively calm will have an influence on your children over time

5) Make sure you and your partner are on the same page. If you are a single parent make sure that you and the other care givers (grandparents, other parents, teachers) are pushing in the same direction

6) Active listening; give your child full attention, repeat back to them what you heard, seek to understand their perspective

There is obviously more to it, but these steps will prepare you for the road of potholes that raising a teenager can feel like. Taking these steps will help you get some perspective and maintain maneuverability in both minor and major conflicts that might arise with your child.

An organization worthy of your attention and support

http://www.warchild.org/index.html

Listen Up

For us parents listening is hard. Let's be honest. We think we know what our kids need and want, and so why take the time to sit and listen to them. Actually seeking to understand without interruption or editing. We're busy, we're stressed, we're fixing dinner or paying bills; so who has time to listen. Much less look for the sometimes subtle signs that our kids want to be heard. I am as bad about this as anyone else. I may be taking my son to school with the radio on, or getting home from work and robotically asking 'Do you have any homework?' but not really asking him how are things, what's going on in your life, tell me something about your day. I may be preparing dinner and as my daughter is trying to get my attention I attempt to gently blow her off because 'can't you see, daddy is busy'.

We need to listen. We need to be active in finding those times when our children want our attention to communicate what they think and feel. These moments don't always arrive on a schedule. We need to develop habits of putting our secondary work down and focus on our primary work, developing and growing our children. It takes time and it is inconvenient. By the time our children become middle teens they have picked up our habits and our patterns. They have conformed themselves to our refusal to be distracted by their need to communicate....and they stop communicating. Then it's our turn to complain about how my teen doesn't communicate.

I have to constantly remind myself to turn off the tv, turn down the radio, delay getting dinner started and turn toward my child, sit if I can to look them in the face, and ask them to tell me what they want. And listen. They know I am listening because I am looking at them, my arms are in my lap or at my side, and I can repeat back to them what I just heard them say. I can show my interest in their thoughts and feelings. This pattern, this habit, will pay off big time as they grow up. That doesn't mean that your teen will be 'Mr. Communication' all the time but it does mean that somewhere in there they know how to speak and listen.

So, Listen Up!

You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.--John Kabat-Zinn

I read that quote the other day while getting a presentation together. It's a nifty little nugget of truth. Acceptance of what is is hard. As parents we live in a world full of danger and risk, we watch as our children, especially our teens, venture out into that world. We want to keep them safe, protected, innocent....but we cannot. We can choose to rage, rage at the world and its uncontrollable, unpredictable and, in the end, inevitable influence upon our children or like the surfer, we can find ways to make it work for us and our children. We can accept reality; the reality of growth (often in ways we didn't for see), the reality of difference (our children are not us), the reality of risk. But we can also engage in that reality. We can at once shelter each other (as Mary Pipher so eloquently explores) and support each other in the journey into the world. Preparing to take part, to have influence upon while at the same time being influenced by reality.

We can do this by developing a family culture which embraces the world but also sees the world as a work in progress or a project; a project that we can influence. We are in the end co creators of our reality.

Surf's Up!

Co-Parenting

Co-Parenting by the way was a hot concept a few years ago. Doesn't seem to get as much press lately (or maybe I'm not paying attention). Co-parenting is the process by which divorced or separated parents become an effective parenting team. Either resolving old issues in order to work together as parents or putting unresolved issues aside for the same purpose. I get cynical about divorced parents from time to time but when I think about it I am impressed by how many divorced parents I meet or work with who are in the co-parenting mode. I've met many divorced parents over the years who are actually better friends with each other post divorce. When I meet these parents I heap praise upon them. Whether they had it in mind or not, they are doing a huge favor for their children by treating each other kindly, equally and even lovingly.

These parents get it, either consciously or subconsciously, that how they treat each other, talk to and about each other, has a direct link to how their children perceive their place in the family, their connection to mom and dad and their sense of self esteem.

For parents who are seeking to get into the co-parenting process the first step is to talk about it. It may help to have a family therapist or mediator involved but it's not absolutely necessary as long as there is a desire. The only assumption one need make is that the other parent loves the kids and wants what's best for them. It also helps to not view the process as an opportunity to fix or resolve all the old issues.

The best book I've seen on Co-Parenting is the classic: FAMILIES APART: 10 Keys to Successful Co-Parenting by Melinda Blau. Still available on Amazon.com by the way.

Try Co-Parenting

(I don't like to wag the finger too much, so please forgive me for any shrill tone picked up in the post.)

Here's to divorced parents who can sit in the same room and talk about how to help their child. Here's to step parents who don't view the former spouse as a threat. Here's to parents, biological and step, who place the needs of their children above their own self pity, anger, sense of betrayal and all the other emotions that divorced or divorcing parents feel.

I met a family for the first time last night. The identified client is a 15 yr old boy who just 'graduated' from a very well regarded addiction program. In the room was the client, the mother, the step father and the father. No one hid the fact that even after many years there were still unresolved issues from the divorce but all present were focused on how they could help the client. The parents and the client were able to talk civilly and even spontaneously to one another. No teeth pulling here. Not only did they want to help but all present acknowledged that they needed to make their own personal changes if the client was to be successful. No one's perfect but these folks are grappling with how to effectively co-parent.

Separated, divorcing and divorced parents are well advised to remember that the experience of parents separating is a traumatic event for a child; even for a teenager. Even the most amicable divorce can be like an earthquake in the life of a child. Often during the initial separation, a period of time where parents are bitter and angry with each other, separating moms and dads are likely to verbalize their hurt feelings, insulting the other parent within ear shot of the child. This is damaging to the child. At a basic level children know that they are 'of' their parents; both of them. If they hear disparaging remarks about the mother or father, it's as if those remarks are about themselves. This is hugely damaging to their sense of self and will have a lasting negative influence. Even into adulthood.

So divorcing parents....buck up. Get your head out of your narcissistic self interests. You decided to have children and despite the failure of your marital relationship you have another relationship that you cannot permit to fail. You have the permanent relationship as parents. You are connected whether you like it or not. So figure out a way to communicate about your children directly with each other. Figure out a way to get on the same page with discipline and expectations. Figure out a way to not communicate through the children, but directly with each other as painful and as awkward as that may be. You owe it to your children to do this. The price of infantile self-centeredness is too steep. And the reward of your children realizing that despite the failure of your marriage you still love them and you do not blame them for the divorce is truly priceless and very much worth the effort.

OK, sorry for the temper tantrum.

Give 'Em Enough Rope

Trust is often the topic of the day between a teen and his or her parents. As children develop into adolescents they are also beginning to become more self aware and see that they have their own mind, lives, decisions that are distinct from their parents. For us parents this can be tricky and scary. Regardless of how we yearn for the closeness we had when our baby was, well, a baby, the fact is there is a distance forming; and it's a distance of necessity. Trust means giving our children space to make decisions, learn and grow. It doesn't mean 'letting go' but maybe taking a step back. Being vigilant and aware, but not being quick to fix a problem or overly protect our sweeties from life's edges. As teens grow the natural consequences of their actions should be allowed to play out.

For your child to become an adult they will need to begin to think, decide and act for themselves. They will need space. They will make mistakes, bad decisions and, worst of all, they will place themselves at risk. This period of development, from childhood to adulthood, is adolescence. During this time boundaries change, relationships change and often this change leaves the parent grieving for the child their teen once was. This is an understandable reaction but if it is overly indulged then the parent is likely to over react, creating additional conflict and possibly extreme rebellion/reaction on the part of the teen. This dance of relational position is at times delicate and nuanced and at times thunderous and clanky. But it is a dance, and requires of the parent non-rigid thinking, emotional and intellectual dexterity and a strategy focused on the long term growth and development of the child/teen.

Trust is both given, earned, rescinded, earned back, given again, lost, gained etc etc. Trust is not static. In a crude way the old saying, "Give em enough rope" applies (but not to hang themselves). Give them enough space to learn but be ready to take action if necessary.

Let Grief Happen

Being the parent to a grieving child is a huge challenge. The last thing we want to do is have to explain death, especially to our younger children. Children as young as 4 and 5 often don't really understand what death is. Explaining the end of life to someone at it's beginning may be near impossible.
I have recently worked with a mother who's 5 year old niece died of complications from chemo therapy. She has her own children, a 6 and 7 year old boy and girl, who are very close to the deceased cousin. I say 'are' and not 'were' because their relationship doesn't simply end because their cousin died. They will continue to relate to her in their own way. The mother brought them to see me because she had noticed increased crying spells, clingy-ness, and mood swings. The kids are sleeping with her since the cousins death and she wonders if this is healthy. Her daughter talks about 'wishing' that the cousin would come back or asked if they pray to God enough will that bring the loved cousin back to life. The cousin died only 4 days ago after over 10 days in the hospital on life support. The whole family is exhausted.
This was 'easy' for me. I gently informed the mother that what she was reporting was 'normal' (awful word) and that she could expect more of these types of behaviors, off and on, into the future. Her children will naturally grieve at their own pace. If certain behaviors go on and intensify and interfere with life then there may be a need for some extra help but they are no where near that point. I also explored her own feelings about the death and encouraged her to take care of her self too.
Parents out of love want the pain to go away. This can lead to thinking of a child's grief as a problem to be fixed. Watching your own child struggle with loss and its cruel permanence can seem unbearable. But parents can bare it and can guide their children through this difficult time. Mostly this involves letting the process happen. Answer questions, ask how they are feeling, show your own emotions, encourage conversations about what they remember and miss about the lost loved one. Live life but don't shove death under the rug.

Just like adult grief, when a child is experiencing grief it should not be thought of as a pathological event. Grief, loss and sadness are a part of life and unfortunately children experience these things too. Of course part of the challenge is that the parent her or his self is also going through their own sense of loss and hurt over the same death and may feel unable to 'be there' for their grieving child.

Children are more open to spirituality than adults. This natural awareness that there is a reality bigger than their own is a major strength. Tapping into your spiritual tradition is one strategy to help deal with grief. Encouraging your children to talk to your pastor, rabbi or pastoral counselor (or other spiritually inclined individuals) about their feelings can also be useful.

The take home message here is let the process of grief happen. Be there but don't panic when your child expresses their feelings and has questions about death.

What an opportunity as a parent to help your child gain a more full understanding of life and its preciousness!

Superheroes

I came across this article on the web at BP Magazine. It's an interesting perspective and if you are dealing with a child who is struggling with mental illness it's a nice re-frame.

--Ed

On my mind: Superheroes unite!
When I was a kid, I was a fan of the TV show The Incredible Hulk. At the time, I figured the Hulk’s mental issues led to his outbursts, just like my own. Later, I enjoyed the superhero movies Spider-Man and Fantastic Four. I have long thought these characters portrayed mental illness in a quirky way, but I never realized the significance they had for me until I watched the latest installment in the X-Men films.We are the X-Men.Stan Lee’s comic book heroes have special powers. They also have idiosyncrasies. Most of all, they struggle with their inability to handle their powers.There are several characters in X-Men: The Last Stand who wanted to live a “normal” life. They couldn’t see the benefit of a power they couldn’t control. They were subjected to pressure to get “cured,” and many succumbed to the promise of a normal life. Others fought to harness their powers for good. As they gained mastery over their unique gifts, they found they could not only control their superpowers, but turn them into an advantage. Like the characters of Stan Lee’s imagination, I would have done anything to become “normal.” In the end, I chose to engage in the ultimate battle: getting control of my own powers. As I wrestled with my bipolar disorder, I learned that even some of the powers that seemed to have no apparent benefit were a source of great strength. I now see that my “superpowers” give me the ability to do things a normal being couldn’t even fathom—like living daily life while experiencing full-blown depression. The problem is not that we’re mentally ill. It’s that we experience 150 percent of what others do, and we’re frustrated that we haven’t yet learned how to handle it. But gaining control isn’t impossible.Like those who tried to get the X-Men to become normal, far too many people talk about “changing the stigma” while creating the worst stigma of all: the idea that we’re not capable of greatness. This “can’t-do” attitude is rampant in the bipolar community. So attached are many to this self-defeating view that they attack anyone who suggests we can have a better life. It’s time to stand up to such negativity by spelling out results worth striving for: clear insight, true freedom, real stability, equanimity, self-mastery, and great relationships.It is impossible to have a life worth living that eliminates depression. The “cure” for depression is not making it go away. The cure is to get to the point that the symptoms lose their power over you. Equanimity means that even though the symptoms are still there, you function normally and understand something that few ever will.It takes equanimity to understand the bipolar advantage. Once you view depression and mania from the perspective of equanimity, you see how such richness of experience brings insight and understanding that those without our condition couldn’t imagine. Of course, the only way to prove that we have attained equanimity is to change our behavior, which is what self-mastery is all about.By facing your condition instead of avoiding it or hoping it will go away, you will discover superpowers you never knew you had. Best of all, you will discover your true self and realize that those powers were given to you to help you along the way. As Professor Charles Xavier, the leader of the X-Men, says: “You have more power than you can imagine. The question is: Will you control that power—or will you let it control you?”-----Tom Wootton’s mission is to help people with mental health conditions shift their thinking and behavior so that they can lead extraordinary lives. His books include The Bipolar Advantage and The Depression Advantage. Visit his Web site at http://www.bipolaradvantage.com/.

Embrace the Moment in the New Year

Just to be clear, I am only a guy. I happen to be a family counselor and a husband and a father. I am no better or worse than anyone reading this blog. These are simply thoughts I have as I conduct my work and my life. So take everything written here with that in mind and a grain of salt from time to time.

For those of us who celebrate Christmas we are now in the post Christmas blues....only made worse by the very real economic blues hitting our nation and the world in general. It's like a sugar low, after a sugar high. Christmas, despite our best efforts as families and individuals, is very materialistic (and has been for as long as I can remember). There is no getting around it. To what ever degree we try to maintain a spiritual focus during this time of year (regardless of your tradition), that is overwhelmed by the material expectations of the season. I think most of us succumb. We are practically told that to be good citizens we need to be good consumers. And most of us, myself include, comply with this not so subtle suggestion.

So the new year brings an opportunity and not just to come up with another list of things we are going to do better (the usual set of self improvement agenda items). The opportunity we all have as parents is to take time out and be, with a capital 'B', with our children. Play that board game they got from santa, teach them how to play 'go fish', go for a hike around the local lake, go have a picnic, get out the arts and crafts stuff one of your little ones got and create art with your kids. Be with them, laugh with them, turn the tv off, put the nano down (this is particularly hard for me sometimes), enjoy their expressions, questions, observations without worrying about anything else.

The other day my daughter asked me to play 'Snakes and Ladders (like chutes and ladders, but with snakes). Initially I frowned to myself but then I decided to fully embrace this moment. Now Snakes and Ladders is an awful game. It's very monotonous and is designed to go on and on. But I wasn't there to play the game per se, I was there to watch my daughter, who is 5, play the game. Along the way she said a lot of interesting things, some of them hilarious, and I just didn't worry about how asinine the game is. What is really hilarious was that after about 30 minutes she tired of the game herself and asked if we could quit. The more time I can spend like that with my kids the more leverage I will have when I have to discipline or correct them. It's like filling up the tank and it is its own reward.


Happy New Year.