Setting Boundaries comes with a cost

There is always a price to pay for setting boundaries with others. This is especially true when heretofore the boundaries have been inconsistent, nebulous or virtually non existent. A client is trying to figure out how to tell her best friend that she is tired of being walked on and taken for granted. My client is worried that this may endanger the relationship. I had to tell her that it most definitely will endanger the relationship. If she chooses to alter the current arrangements with her friend, to demand more respect, reciprocity and equality then the relationship as it is will most certainly die. The price she will pay may be the ending of a friendship and increased social isolation and loneliness. She has to decide if the price and risk are worth it. She says she fed up and knows that things can not go on as they have, but she is nervous and worried that she will become too angry or 'ugly' toward her friend.

My client says she is going to think about it, write about it and the decide how to proceed. For now she is keeping her distance (but still letting her friend use her car free of charge!).

I'm curious to see what she decides. My client is a sweet, shy woman who feels generally cut off from others. To stand up for herself and risk losing one of the few close friends she has will take a lot of courage.

Resist letting the urge to BE Right get in the way of the effort to BE Effective

Meta Communication

When you've noticed a negative pattern in your communication with your teen (or even your partner) the best time to address this NOT during an argument or when you see the pattern occuring, but at some other time of your chosing; when the other person is approachable and least likely to be defensive.
Communication about communication can be very effective in encouraging win/win scenarios and good faith negotiations. Effective communication takes at least two people to be willing to do something different so when you approach your adolescent be willing to say what you will do different as well as what you are hoping to see in them.

8th grade

Summer ends too quickly. It's not actually over for more than another month, but really, it ended on August 12th when my kids went back to school. 8th grade begins for Adam, 2nd for Camille. And away we go.

I was driving Adam to his first day for 8th grade. I remember when he started 5th and the butterflies I felt for him then, entering a new school, no friends, alone. I think maybe I was more nervous than he was. Adam has always been so stoic. Dropping him off last week to begin his last year of middle school I felt somehow the same. Butterflies, but not worrying about him making it in a new school, but for this beginning of this end. He's not worried at all, 8th grade, top of the pack. He's 13, and the years between 5th grade and now have slipped by. Despite some of the struggles, the cancer, and all that, middle school has flown by. As Adam walks away I see him as a young man, almost grown up, I see him as the little boy 3 years ago, I see him as a baby, and I see him soon gone away from us. I think I cried a bit as I drove away from his school, waving to the teacher on morning traffic duty. Feeling the butterflies.

Summer

Summer time is filled with possibility. I used to think that because I still had to work through the summer that this season would go to being just like any other, only hotter. But the idea that something special could happen has never left me. I really love the summer time. It must be my 'inner' 13 year old. My actual 13 year old is either away at camp or taking care of himself this summer. My 6 (almost 7) year old is going to a series of day camps or staying with a family friend. I pray they will remember their summers with the same whimsical affection that I do. Mornings are decidedly less hurried and stressful. We still get up early, but it's amazing what a difference 30 minutes makes. We've already had one week long vacation to the Gulf Coast (before the slick got there) and may hopefully have another. Summer gives laziness a pass. Summer-time is short (and getting shorter). As time slows down it seems to paradoxically slip away all the sooner. Mid August will be here soon and the kids will be back in school, and we will be back to hectic mornings, home work and grade pressures. Summer is precious.

Nashville Flood 2010

My first impulse is to be 'cute' about the Nashville Flood. Quote some apropos lyric or something. But that seems fairly obscene given the amount of devastation and suffering going on in this city and the surrounding area right now. While I often promote to my clients 'count your blessings' even when things are tough, I also know that such a trite statement would be useless at this moment. What we need now is solidarity, action and support. Those who need help need to seek it and those who can help need to give it.

There are many organizations that can help connect those in need with those who can help. The two I would recommend right off are the Nashville American Red Cross http://www.hon.org/HomePage/index.php/home.html and Hands on Nashville.

http://www.hon.org/HomePage/index.php/home.html. I highly recommend to those who need help or want to take action to contact one of these organizations.

Waiting at the Surface

Sometimes being a parent to an older teen is like being in a row boat waiting for your scuba diving child to come back up for air. We wait patiently. We can't go down with them but we are there, ready when they surface. It's risky. You can't see where they are going, but it's a fools errand to dive after them. You don't have an air tank. They could be anywhere. But, they will come up for air some time and when they do you are there ready to receive, love, and guide. Then they dive again. And you wait, again.

This metaphor is not perfect and certainly doesn't pertain to younger children. Our older children, our young adults, are increasingly making their own decisions, wise or unwise. Hopefully we have been parenting them to prepare them for this time. We are still their parents, they are still in our home, but (whether we like it or not) we are no longer in control. It's tempting to pull the 'you're still my child' card. No one could blame you. But it's largely an exercise in futility. The secret is patience and timing. At some point they will come to you and genuinely want your input and guidance. You are close to launching them (there's another less than perfect metaphor) and the air in their tank is limited. They will come up to breathe at some point. Wait patiently.

Mindfulness Practice and Parenting

http://www.pbs.org/thebuddha/blog/2010/mar/17/mindfulness-2-minutes-chade-meng-tan/

Check this site out. Mindfulness, speaking for myself, has been a major contributor to my own flawed quest for more patience, attentiveness and compassion toward myself and others. This piece offers a great way to integrate mindfulness practice with everyday parenting. Give it a try.

Here's one mindfulness practice I do with my clients (including my teen clients):

• Sit in a relaxed but dignified position
• Bring your attention to your breath
• Your body breathes all on its own, so all we are going to do is notice our body doing its work
• As your body breaths in, say to yourself 'Breathing In'
• As your body breaths out, say to yourself 'Breathing Out'
• Bringing attention to the automatic, the mundane, is a great way to expand our general ability to pay attention to the moment, as it arises, without judgement
• Your mind will wander; that is totally natural and not to be avoided; the goal here is to notice when your mind wanders.
• When you notice your mind wandering off of your breath, gently bring your attention back to your breathing
• Do this without judgement
• The goal is not to 'not be distracted' but to notice when you are distracted and kindly bring your attention back to the present moment: breathing
• We will do this for about 4 minutes and I will let you know when we are done

Help Yourself by Helping Others

I have a client who's been dealing with a lot of changes and loss over the past year. She's a bright and very intelligent young woman and is very motivated to help herself. One strategy I deploy with clients is to help them focus on troubles other than their own.

My client was very receptive to this idea. I suggested that maybe she consider volunteering. Locally the possibilities are rich; the Mission, Vandy Children's Hospital, Food Not Bombs, Hands on Nashville etc. She said she would consider these options and even gave herself the assignment of making a choice by the next session.

She came into to her last session and told me she had made a decions: She's going to Haiti. For seven days she is going on a relief mission trip. She will be helping build temporary shelter. I was amazed. She had investigated and researched organizations going to Haiti and found a local group that had an open spot on their team. She will be sleeping in a tent and working hard every day in an environment more unlike Nashville than I can imagine. My hunch is that the symptoms she is dealing with will be absent for the week she is in Haiti.

Volunteer work, focusing on the needs of others, is not a panacea, but it is very helpful when we have become overwhelmed with our own struggles.

For anyone dealing with chronic health or mental health issues there is a built in self centered-ness that can be stultifying. Getting out of our comfort zones seeking to be of service to others, or better yet to be of service to a greater good, can be amazingly therapeutic.

WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

The Serenity Prayer contains just about all you need to know with regards to making personal change. (If you don't want therapy then check it out, maybe you won't need therapy. Just kidding, every one needs therapy!)

The Prayer has three BIG TRUTHS.

1) The ability (or skill) to SERENELY ACCEPT what 'IS' is huge. I encourage my clients to identify their 'wishful thinking' habits. Fantasizing that 'if only things were different' is a trap and a time waster. It is a version of 'magical thinking'; cute in children but problematic in adults. Usually folks wish for something to be different in somebody else. This refusal to accept what is only keeps us stuck because it prevents us from seeing the one thing we can change; Ourselves.

2) Once we clear away the fantasy of wishful thinking about changing others we are left with looking at ourselves. Boy, that takes COURAGE! Like standing in a full length mirror, naked, without sucking in your gut (I speak from personal experience). To see what really is in ourselves is the second big task in therapy. The irony is before we CHANGE courageously we need to ACCEPT what it is we see in the mirror. THAT is ME; and THAT'S OK. In short, we need to unconditionally love ourselves, harder than it sounds.

3) 'Wisdom to Know the Difference' between what you can change and what you can't is the third major task of therapy. Inevitably what you can change is YOU and not HER or HIM. Once this nugget of TRUTH is recognized a huge amount of garbage can be wiped away, let go of, and the real issues arise. But gaining this WISDOM takes practice, patience and skills. Understanding that we all have EMOTIONAL and REASONABLE parts of our mind is an important skill (brain science is bearing this out btw). Being aware of this tendency can allow us to wait before we make decisions; giving time for our REASONABLE side to 'have a say'. Decisions made only in one or the other state of mind are often regretted. WISDOM can be gleaned when we are aware and listening to both our EMOTIONAL and REASONABLE minds. This IS NOT easy. Mystics spend years trying to achieve this perfect balance. Luckily we don't need perfection to see real progress. Mindfulness meditation is one way to work on this skill (and I teach it to just about all my clients).

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Be Grateful for What You Got, Give What You Can

What are we to do in the face of unmitigated tragedy like the earthquake in Haiti? For any with one empathic bone in their body (hopefully anyone reading this would qualify) the sights and sounds we witness on tv, the web and the paper can only bring the ache of shock, sadness and a sense of powerlessness. What can we do? After we come to our senses there some answers to this question.

First, give money. Give as generously as you can afford. Give to organizations with a good track record of getting resources to those who need them and who have low overhead.

Second, take stock of your blessings. We all have struggles that at times seem daunting, but Haiti puts our troubles in perspective. Give thanks.

Third, talk to your children about Haiti and what is happening in words they can understand. The realization that the world is bigger than the world they know is part of growing up. Talking about this tragedy can help build a sense of empathy for the suffering of others. At that is precious.

Fourth, if you can, think globally and act locally. Get involved.

Fifth, hug your children, hug your partner, let the people close to you know how much you love and care about them.

Here are some organizations I would recommend: Doctors Without Borders, Oxfam USA, Save the Children, Catholic Relief Services, Mercy Corp, Haiti Emergency Relief Fund, Fonkoze.org (a micro lending group based in Haiti)