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Listen Up

For us parents listening is hard. Let's be honest. We think we know what our kids need and want, and so why take the time to sit and listen to them. Actually seeking to understand without interruption or editing. We're busy, we're stressed, we're fixing dinner or paying bills; so who has time to listen. Much less look for the sometimes subtle signs that our kids want to be heard. I am as bad about this as anyone else. I may be taking my son to school with the radio on, or getting home from work and robotically asking 'Do you have any homework?' but not really asking him how are things, what's going on in your life, tell me something about your day. I may be preparing dinner and as my daughter is trying to get my attention I attempt to gently blow her off because 'can't you see, daddy is busy'.

We need to listen. We need to be active in finding those times when our children want our attention to communicate what they think and feel. These moments don't always arrive on a schedule. We need to develop habits of putting our secondary work down and focus on our primary work, developing and growing our children. It takes time and it is inconvenient. By the time our children become middle teens they have picked up our habits and our patterns. They have conformed themselves to our refusal to be distracted by their need to communicate....and they stop communicating. Then it's our turn to complain about how my teen doesn't communicate.

I have to constantly remind myself to turn off the tv, turn down the radio, delay getting dinner started and turn toward my child, sit if I can to look them in the face, and ask them to tell me what they want. And listen. They know I am listening because I am looking at them, my arms are in my lap or at my side, and I can repeat back to them what I just heard them say. I can show my interest in their thoughts and feelings. This pattern, this habit, will pay off big time as they grow up. That doesn't mean that your teen will be 'Mr. Communication' all the time but it does mean that somewhere in there they know how to speak and listen.

So, Listen Up!

You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.--John Kabat-Zinn

I read that quote the other day while getting a presentation together. It's a nifty little nugget of truth. Acceptance of what is is hard. As parents we live in a world full of danger and risk, we watch as our children, especially our teens, venture out into that world. We want to keep them safe, protected, innocent....but we cannot. We can choose to rage, rage at the world and its uncontrollable, unpredictable and, in the end, inevitable influence upon our children or like the surfer, we can find ways to make it work for us and our children. We can accept reality; the reality of growth (often in ways we didn't for see), the reality of difference (our children are not us), the reality of risk. But we can also engage in that reality. We can at once shelter each other (as Mary Pipher so eloquently explores) and support each other in the journey into the world. Preparing to take part, to have influence upon while at the same time being influenced by reality.

We can do this by developing a family culture which embraces the world but also sees the world as a work in progress or a project; a project that we can influence. We are in the end co creators of our reality.

Surf's Up!

Co-Parenting

Co-Parenting by the way was a hot concept a few years ago. Doesn't seem to get as much press lately (or maybe I'm not paying attention). Co-parenting is the process by which divorced or separated parents become an effective parenting team. Either resolving old issues in order to work together as parents or putting unresolved issues aside for the same purpose. I get cynical about divorced parents from time to time but when I think about it I am impressed by how many divorced parents I meet or work with who are in the co-parenting mode. I've met many divorced parents over the years who are actually better friends with each other post divorce. When I meet these parents I heap praise upon them. Whether they had it in mind or not, they are doing a huge favor for their children by treating each other kindly, equally and even lovingly.

These parents get it, either consciously or subconsciously, that how they treat each other, talk to and about each other, has a direct link to how their children perceive their place in the family, their connection to mom and dad and their sense of self esteem.

For parents who are seeking to get into the co-parenting process the first step is to talk about it. It may help to have a family therapist or mediator involved but it's not absolutely necessary as long as there is a desire. The only assumption one need make is that the other parent loves the kids and wants what's best for them. It also helps to not view the process as an opportunity to fix or resolve all the old issues.

The best book I've seen on Co-Parenting is the classic: FAMILIES APART: 10 Keys to Successful Co-Parenting by Melinda Blau. Still available on Amazon.com by the way.