Of Fruit and Trees

There is nothing in this blog that will be particularly novel or genius. Families and the art of raising children have been around for a while. There are so many cliche's to illustrate the point. There is nothing new under the sun (in general) or (in particular) the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree.

Parents are often on the look out for 'new' techniques, tricks or gimmicks to have more influence with their children. It's not that techniques in and of themselves are ineffective or not worth learning but what parents often fail to realize is that they are the most influential force in their child's life already....without reading one parent self help book. They are the tree, their kids are the fruit. Well, duh, right.

The implications of this obvious knowledge is both relieving (I think) and powerfully deep. How we think, how we act, how we solve problems, handle stress, communicate, cry, love, pray, hate, all of it, is what our children pick up. We as parents need to constantly examine ourselves mindfully and honestly. Are we demonstrating good frustration tolerance? If we shout and scream, or pout and stew, at all the bumps in the road how do we expect our kids to act? Are we demonstrating good character? If we trivialize dishonesty (taxes) or rule breaking (littering, traffic) how do we expect our kids to act? Are we demonstrating compassion toward others?....well, you get the point.

Raising children is not just a 24/7 job. All that you are, all that you say, think and feel and how you express all those aspects of yourself go into the cake that is your child. There are no short cuts to co-creating the person you want your child to be. Co-creat? Well, no one does nothing alone.

Adam and Camille

wish you a Merry Christmas

and a New Year filled with hope.

Parents in Recovery

Parents in recovery from chemical dependency or addiction often struggle with how to re-enter their role as parent. Often times the recovering parent feels guilty about not being around, either physically or emotionally, when they were using. These guilt feelings can lead to much ambivilance about being an effective parent. To compensate for not being around these parents often become friends, companions or roommates with their kids. The parent may feel either 1) they have no right to discipline their children because of their addiction, 2) they fear, having just reconnected with their kids, that any limit setting or parental guidance may push their kids away and they will lose them all over again or 3) their own beliefs about firm parenting are still stuck in their own issues of adolescence. They just don't want to be 'that kind of parent'. But this leaves them with a dilemma when their children begin to need guidance, consistency and discipline.

We all can divide our minds into 'emotional mind' and 'reasonable mind'. Both are necessary for effective decision making, relationship building and just living. Recovering parents though are sometimes stuck in 'emotional mind'. This leads to decisions being based solely on feelings. The feeling of guilt or shame in particular is common for the recovering parent. But if a parent is trying to raise his or her children from the position of guilt then the possibility of being effective as a parent is slim. Guilty parenting will prevent children from getting what they need.

Recovering parents need to listen to their internal dialogue. Listen to their reasonable mind about what they know to be right, healthy and effective parenting. When I am working with these parents I often suggest they keep a journal and write down all the thoughts they have about their relationship with their children. It only takes practice to begin to reframe feelings of guilt into a signal that the parent is doing what is right (and what is right does not always feel easy or good, at first).

Obviously recovering parents need to be in ongoing recovery support groups (12 step or otherwise). Being a parent is only one part of their new life in sobriety but it is a huge part and often one of the chief motivating factors for getting clean and sober to begin with.

Once a parent in recovery is able to separate their thoughts and feelings then their minds become fertile for new ideas about child rearing. But until they gain this insight these new skills will fall on barren ground.

Recovering parents face many challenges. This is only one. There may be no one correct way to be a parent but parenting from the positon of guilt and shame is patently ineffective and dangerous.

Strategic Parenting

I am working with a mother and father dealing with an oppositional child. One of the issues the parents are dealing with now is discipline, obviously. Specifically they complain that the 13 yr old does not respect them and blatantly disregards their rules. Yet they also feel somewhat guilty given her abuse history when they try and maintain firm expectations. They are becoming more fatigued and fighting a sense of helplessness.

This situation is not that unusual and not just with adolescents who have gone through the abuse this girl did. Parents in addiction recovery, parents who are dealing with their own mental health issues, or parents of typical teens who are flummoxed by the whole puberty thing frequently have difficulty with a similar pattern of behavior in their children.

One concept that is worth learning is 'Strategic Parenting.' The assumption is that you know your child well and can generally predict that certain behaviors will occur in the future. The Strategic piece is this; Do not engage is wishful thinking such as 'that will never happen again', but instead accept that the troubling behavior will occur again and have a plan for it. Planning for an event in the future is called a Strategy. When your child disregards a particular rule, is disrespectful, or what ever the case may be, have a plan for how you will respond.

Too often we come up with a response in the crisis moment. In crises we tend to make haste decisions, over react and then regret what we did and said. Punishments decided in these moments are often overreaching. Later when we realize this and let our child off the hook we are sending the message that our rules really don't need to be respected and our authority is diminished. And the problem only grows.

Part of Strategic Parenting is the development of Consistency and Constancy. These concepts are important in raising children but are also very useful when trying to be more parentally strategic.

Consistency means that the rules and expectations in the household are generally the same day to day and are equally held by all caregivers (parents, grand parents, foster parents etc) dealing with the children. What is expected on Monday is expected on Tuesday and so forth. It helps to have rules, chores, rewards and consequences written down. The idea is simple but takes energy for parents to truly adhere to. Consistency is well known as an important parenting skill. Less so, is Constancy.

Constancy in the sense that I am using it refers to the mood and affect of the caregivers. In the family mentioned above both parents acknowledged that their moods had become more unstable along with the teenager's. They were mirroring her moods or were responding with their own temper tantrums when she was oppositional or arrogant. This only made the situation worse, led them to feeling more angry and powerless and did nothing to address the situation.
Constancy means that regardless of how disappointed, angry or frustrated they may feel the caregivers are expressing these feelings calmly and appropriately. Constancy is hard to immediately achieve and needs to to be practiced. It is connected to acceptance. As parents it is hard for us to accept that we are not 'in control' of our child's mood and behaviors. Ironically by accepting this and demonstrating more Constancy in parenting we are more likely to see our teenager begin to demonstrate more emotional regulation and respect for us on their own.

Constancy plus Consistency is the key to Strategic Parenting.

No one solution will work all the time with discipline and that is where patience and acceptance comes in. (But that is a posting for another day.)

Comparing

As parents we spend a lot of time comparing our kids to others. And maybe even more so we compare our kids' experiences with growing up to our own. For me this has been a challenge. When I grew up in Atlanta it couldn't have been more idyllic. I grew up in a very cohesive neighborhood and the street where I lived was filled with children about my age. We grew up together as natural playmates. We played 'cops and robbers', tag, sports in the street (mostly football) and in our backyards. The streets were safe and the parents were friends with each other, or at least knew each other well.
That was when middle class folks all did the same thing. Had kids at the same time. Mothers didn't work outside the home. Things have changed.
When my son was younger there were no other kids on our street his age. Playdates had to be scheduled. His social life doesn't seem as rich as the one I experienced at his age.
But this is my perspective, not his. From his point of view his life is good. He has friends at school and he does have a couple of very good friends. He's involved in scouting and plays soccer. I still wish that he could experience what I did, but I know that he is not missing out. He is having his own life and will look back fondly and worry that his child won't enjoy what he did. And so it goes....
When folks are depressed they often experience 'thought distortions'. These arise when only a limited part of a very rich reality is focused on.
Be a caring, loving, consistent and creative parent. In doing so you will create fertile ground for your child. But you won't be able to control all the variables or the exact direction in which growth will occur. And that is a good thing.

Topics

Welcome to Family Topics. Please check this site time from time. I will be exploring problems, challenges, issues, skills etc that may be of use to parents trying to do their best.

Please feel free to send requests for topics you would like to see addressed.


My central assumption about parenting is this; "Parents are doing the best they can." Closely following this assumption is that parents are the ultimate pragmatists and are constantly looking for ideas and skills that may improve their child-raising abilities and their own growth and fulfillment as parents.

Philosophically when it comes to parenting I am a dedicated pragmatist. If it works do it more, if it doesn't work do it less. Some things work well for some and not so well for others. There is no cookie cutter approach that will always get the results sought. 'Parenting' is challenging, exhausting, exasperating, frustrating, rewarding, surprising, crazy but not profoundly difficult. Billions of folks do it good enough to produce fairly decent human beings day in and day out. No degree required.



Some topics that will be explored on this site include: Consistency v. Constancy, Communication Skills, Mindfulness in Parenting, Spirituality and Parenting, Discipline, Parent Alignment, Coping Skills for Parents, Control v. Neglect, the Circle of Decision Making, Encouraging critical thinking and decision making in your children, Dealing with other peoples children, Super-Parent v. Good-Enough Parent, Mental Health/Illness topics--eg. adolescent self harming behaviors, oppositional defiance, depression, drug abuse, school problems, negative peers etc.

Please let us know if you find these topics useful.


Peace