Parents in Recovery

Parents in recovery from chemical dependency or addiction often struggle with how to re-enter their role as parent. Often times the recovering parent feels guilty about not being around, either physically or emotionally, when they were using. These guilt feelings can lead to much ambivilance about being an effective parent. To compensate for not being around these parents often become friends, companions or roommates with their kids. The parent may feel either 1) they have no right to discipline their children because of their addiction, 2) they fear, having just reconnected with their kids, that any limit setting or parental guidance may push their kids away and they will lose them all over again or 3) their own beliefs about firm parenting are still stuck in their own issues of adolescence. They just don't want to be 'that kind of parent'. But this leaves them with a dilemma when their children begin to need guidance, consistency and discipline.

We all can divide our minds into 'emotional mind' and 'reasonable mind'. Both are necessary for effective decision making, relationship building and just living. Recovering parents though are sometimes stuck in 'emotional mind'. This leads to decisions being based solely on feelings. The feeling of guilt or shame in particular is common for the recovering parent. But if a parent is trying to raise his or her children from the position of guilt then the possibility of being effective as a parent is slim. Guilty parenting will prevent children from getting what they need.

Recovering parents need to listen to their internal dialogue. Listen to their reasonable mind about what they know to be right, healthy and effective parenting. When I am working with these parents I often suggest they keep a journal and write down all the thoughts they have about their relationship with their children. It only takes practice to begin to reframe feelings of guilt into a signal that the parent is doing what is right (and what is right does not always feel easy or good, at first).

Obviously recovering parents need to be in ongoing recovery support groups (12 step or otherwise). Being a parent is only one part of their new life in sobriety but it is a huge part and often one of the chief motivating factors for getting clean and sober to begin with.

Once a parent in recovery is able to separate their thoughts and feelings then their minds become fertile for new ideas about child rearing. But until they gain this insight these new skills will fall on barren ground.

Recovering parents face many challenges. This is only one. There may be no one correct way to be a parent but parenting from the positon of guilt and shame is patently ineffective and dangerous.