Try Co-Parenting

(I don't like to wag the finger too much, so please forgive me for any shrill tone picked up in the post.)

Here's to divorced parents who can sit in the same room and talk about how to help their child. Here's to step parents who don't view the former spouse as a threat. Here's to parents, biological and step, who place the needs of their children above their own self pity, anger, sense of betrayal and all the other emotions that divorced or divorcing parents feel.

I met a family for the first time last night. The identified client is a 15 yr old boy who just 'graduated' from a very well regarded addiction program. In the room was the client, the mother, the step father and the father. No one hid the fact that even after many years there were still unresolved issues from the divorce but all present were focused on how they could help the client. The parents and the client were able to talk civilly and even spontaneously to one another. No teeth pulling here. Not only did they want to help but all present acknowledged that they needed to make their own personal changes if the client was to be successful. No one's perfect but these folks are grappling with how to effectively co-parent.

Separated, divorcing and divorced parents are well advised to remember that the experience of parents separating is a traumatic event for a child; even for a teenager. Even the most amicable divorce can be like an earthquake in the life of a child. Often during the initial separation, a period of time where parents are bitter and angry with each other, separating moms and dads are likely to verbalize their hurt feelings, insulting the other parent within ear shot of the child. This is damaging to the child. At a basic level children know that they are 'of' their parents; both of them. If they hear disparaging remarks about the mother or father, it's as if those remarks are about themselves. This is hugely damaging to their sense of self and will have a lasting negative influence. Even into adulthood.

So divorcing parents....buck up. Get your head out of your narcissistic self interests. You decided to have children and despite the failure of your marital relationship you have another relationship that you cannot permit to fail. You have the permanent relationship as parents. You are connected whether you like it or not. So figure out a way to communicate about your children directly with each other. Figure out a way to get on the same page with discipline and expectations. Figure out a way to not communicate through the children, but directly with each other as painful and as awkward as that may be. You owe it to your children to do this. The price of infantile self-centeredness is too steep. And the reward of your children realizing that despite the failure of your marriage you still love them and you do not blame them for the divorce is truly priceless and very much worth the effort.

OK, sorry for the temper tantrum.