Being the parent to a grieving child is a huge challenge. The last thing we want to do is have to explain death, especially to our younger children. Children as young as 4 and 5 often don't really understand what death is. Explaining the end of life to someone at it's beginning may be near impossible.
I have recently worked with a mother who's 5 year old niece died of complications from chemo therapy. She has her own children, a 6 and 7 year old boy and girl, who are very close to the deceased cousin. I say 'are' and not 'were' because their relationship doesn't simply end because their cousin died. They will continue to relate to her in their own way. The mother brought them to see me because she had noticed increased crying spells, clingy-ness, and mood swings. The kids are sleeping with her since the cousins death and she wonders if this is healthy. Her daughter talks about 'wishing' that the cousin would come back or asked if they pray to God enough will that bring the loved cousin back to life. The cousin died only 4 days ago after over 10 days in the hospital on life support. The whole family is exhausted.
This was 'easy' for me. I gently informed the mother that what she was reporting was 'normal' (awful word) and that she could expect more of these types of behaviors, off and on, into the future. Her children will naturally grieve at their own pace. If certain behaviors go on and intensify and interfere with life then there may be a need for some extra help but they are no where near that point. I also explored her own feelings about the death and encouraged her to take care of her self too.
Parents out of love want the pain to go away. This can lead to thinking of a child's grief as a problem to be fixed. Watching your own child struggle with loss and its cruel permanence can seem unbearable. But parents can bare it and can guide their children through this difficult time. Mostly this involves letting the process happen. Answer questions, ask how they are feeling, show your own emotions, encourage conversations about what they remember and miss about the lost loved one. Live life but don't shove death under the rug.
Just like adult grief, when a child is experiencing grief it should not be thought of as a pathological event. Grief, loss and sadness are a part of life and unfortunately children experience these things too. Of course part of the challenge is that the parent her or his self is also going through their own sense of loss and hurt over the same death and may feel unable to 'be there' for their grieving child.
Children are more open to spirituality than adults. This natural awareness that there is a reality bigger than their own is a major strength. Tapping into your spiritual tradition is one strategy to help deal with grief. Encouraging your children to talk to your pastor, rabbi or pastoral counselor (or other spiritually inclined individuals) about their feelings can also be useful.
The take home message here is let the process of grief happen. Be there but don't panic when your child expresses their feelings and has questions about death.
What an opportunity as a parent to help your child gain a more full understanding of life and its preciousness!
I have recently worked with a mother who's 5 year old niece died of complications from chemo therapy. She has her own children, a 6 and 7 year old boy and girl, who are very close to the deceased cousin. I say 'are' and not 'were' because their relationship doesn't simply end because their cousin died. They will continue to relate to her in their own way. The mother brought them to see me because she had noticed increased crying spells, clingy-ness, and mood swings. The kids are sleeping with her since the cousins death and she wonders if this is healthy. Her daughter talks about 'wishing' that the cousin would come back or asked if they pray to God enough will that bring the loved cousin back to life. The cousin died only 4 days ago after over 10 days in the hospital on life support. The whole family is exhausted.
This was 'easy' for me. I gently informed the mother that what she was reporting was 'normal' (awful word) and that she could expect more of these types of behaviors, off and on, into the future. Her children will naturally grieve at their own pace. If certain behaviors go on and intensify and interfere with life then there may be a need for some extra help but they are no where near that point. I also explored her own feelings about the death and encouraged her to take care of her self too.
Parents out of love want the pain to go away. This can lead to thinking of a child's grief as a problem to be fixed. Watching your own child struggle with loss and its cruel permanence can seem unbearable. But parents can bare it and can guide their children through this difficult time. Mostly this involves letting the process happen. Answer questions, ask how they are feeling, show your own emotions, encourage conversations about what they remember and miss about the lost loved one. Live life but don't shove death under the rug.
Just like adult grief, when a child is experiencing grief it should not be thought of as a pathological event. Grief, loss and sadness are a part of life and unfortunately children experience these things too. Of course part of the challenge is that the parent her or his self is also going through their own sense of loss and hurt over the same death and may feel unable to 'be there' for their grieving child.
Children are more open to spirituality than adults. This natural awareness that there is a reality bigger than their own is a major strength. Tapping into your spiritual tradition is one strategy to help deal with grief. Encouraging your children to talk to your pastor, rabbi or pastoral counselor (or other spiritually inclined individuals) about their feelings can also be useful.
The take home message here is let the process of grief happen. Be there but don't panic when your child expresses their feelings and has questions about death.
What an opportunity as a parent to help your child gain a more full understanding of life and its preciousness!
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