Let Grief Happen

Being the parent to a grieving child is a huge challenge. The last thing we want to do is have to explain death, especially to our younger children. Children as young as 4 and 5 often don't really understand what death is. Explaining the end of life to someone at it's beginning may be near impossible.
I have recently worked with a mother who's 5 year old niece died of complications from chemo therapy. She has her own children, a 6 and 7 year old boy and girl, who are very close to the deceased cousin. I say 'are' and not 'were' because their relationship doesn't simply end because their cousin died. They will continue to relate to her in their own way. The mother brought them to see me because she had noticed increased crying spells, clingy-ness, and mood swings. The kids are sleeping with her since the cousins death and she wonders if this is healthy. Her daughter talks about 'wishing' that the cousin would come back or asked if they pray to God enough will that bring the loved cousin back to life. The cousin died only 4 days ago after over 10 days in the hospital on life support. The whole family is exhausted.
This was 'easy' for me. I gently informed the mother that what she was reporting was 'normal' (awful word) and that she could expect more of these types of behaviors, off and on, into the future. Her children will naturally grieve at their own pace. If certain behaviors go on and intensify and interfere with life then there may be a need for some extra help but they are no where near that point. I also explored her own feelings about the death and encouraged her to take care of her self too.
Parents out of love want the pain to go away. This can lead to thinking of a child's grief as a problem to be fixed. Watching your own child struggle with loss and its cruel permanence can seem unbearable. But parents can bare it and can guide their children through this difficult time. Mostly this involves letting the process happen. Answer questions, ask how they are feeling, show your own emotions, encourage conversations about what they remember and miss about the lost loved one. Live life but don't shove death under the rug.

Just like adult grief, when a child is experiencing grief it should not be thought of as a pathological event. Grief, loss and sadness are a part of life and unfortunately children experience these things too. Of course part of the challenge is that the parent her or his self is also going through their own sense of loss and hurt over the same death and may feel unable to 'be there' for their grieving child.

Children are more open to spirituality than adults. This natural awareness that there is a reality bigger than their own is a major strength. Tapping into your spiritual tradition is one strategy to help deal with grief. Encouraging your children to talk to your pastor, rabbi or pastoral counselor (or other spiritually inclined individuals) about their feelings can also be useful.

The take home message here is let the process of grief happen. Be there but don't panic when your child expresses their feelings and has questions about death.

What an opportunity as a parent to help your child gain a more full understanding of life and its preciousness!

Superheroes

I came across this article on the web at BP Magazine. It's an interesting perspective and if you are dealing with a child who is struggling with mental illness it's a nice re-frame.

--Ed

On my mind: Superheroes unite!
When I was a kid, I was a fan of the TV show The Incredible Hulk. At the time, I figured the Hulk’s mental issues led to his outbursts, just like my own. Later, I enjoyed the superhero movies Spider-Man and Fantastic Four. I have long thought these characters portrayed mental illness in a quirky way, but I never realized the significance they had for me until I watched the latest installment in the X-Men films.We are the X-Men.Stan Lee’s comic book heroes have special powers. They also have idiosyncrasies. Most of all, they struggle with their inability to handle their powers.There are several characters in X-Men: The Last Stand who wanted to live a “normal” life. They couldn’t see the benefit of a power they couldn’t control. They were subjected to pressure to get “cured,” and many succumbed to the promise of a normal life. Others fought to harness their powers for good. As they gained mastery over their unique gifts, they found they could not only control their superpowers, but turn them into an advantage. Like the characters of Stan Lee’s imagination, I would have done anything to become “normal.” In the end, I chose to engage in the ultimate battle: getting control of my own powers. As I wrestled with my bipolar disorder, I learned that even some of the powers that seemed to have no apparent benefit were a source of great strength. I now see that my “superpowers” give me the ability to do things a normal being couldn’t even fathom—like living daily life while experiencing full-blown depression. The problem is not that we’re mentally ill. It’s that we experience 150 percent of what others do, and we’re frustrated that we haven’t yet learned how to handle it. But gaining control isn’t impossible.Like those who tried to get the X-Men to become normal, far too many people talk about “changing the stigma” while creating the worst stigma of all: the idea that we’re not capable of greatness. This “can’t-do” attitude is rampant in the bipolar community. So attached are many to this self-defeating view that they attack anyone who suggests we can have a better life. It’s time to stand up to such negativity by spelling out results worth striving for: clear insight, true freedom, real stability, equanimity, self-mastery, and great relationships.It is impossible to have a life worth living that eliminates depression. The “cure” for depression is not making it go away. The cure is to get to the point that the symptoms lose their power over you. Equanimity means that even though the symptoms are still there, you function normally and understand something that few ever will.It takes equanimity to understand the bipolar advantage. Once you view depression and mania from the perspective of equanimity, you see how such richness of experience brings insight and understanding that those without our condition couldn’t imagine. Of course, the only way to prove that we have attained equanimity is to change our behavior, which is what self-mastery is all about.By facing your condition instead of avoiding it or hoping it will go away, you will discover superpowers you never knew you had. Best of all, you will discover your true self and realize that those powers were given to you to help you along the way. As Professor Charles Xavier, the leader of the X-Men, says: “You have more power than you can imagine. The question is: Will you control that power—or will you let it control you?”-----Tom Wootton’s mission is to help people with mental health conditions shift their thinking and behavior so that they can lead extraordinary lives. His books include The Bipolar Advantage and The Depression Advantage. Visit his Web site at http://www.bipolaradvantage.com/.

Embrace the Moment in the New Year

Just to be clear, I am only a guy. I happen to be a family counselor and a husband and a father. I am no better or worse than anyone reading this blog. These are simply thoughts I have as I conduct my work and my life. So take everything written here with that in mind and a grain of salt from time to time.

For those of us who celebrate Christmas we are now in the post Christmas blues....only made worse by the very real economic blues hitting our nation and the world in general. It's like a sugar low, after a sugar high. Christmas, despite our best efforts as families and individuals, is very materialistic (and has been for as long as I can remember). There is no getting around it. To what ever degree we try to maintain a spiritual focus during this time of year (regardless of your tradition), that is overwhelmed by the material expectations of the season. I think most of us succumb. We are practically told that to be good citizens we need to be good consumers. And most of us, myself include, comply with this not so subtle suggestion.

So the new year brings an opportunity and not just to come up with another list of things we are going to do better (the usual set of self improvement agenda items). The opportunity we all have as parents is to take time out and be, with a capital 'B', with our children. Play that board game they got from santa, teach them how to play 'go fish', go for a hike around the local lake, go have a picnic, get out the arts and crafts stuff one of your little ones got and create art with your kids. Be with them, laugh with them, turn the tv off, put the nano down (this is particularly hard for me sometimes), enjoy their expressions, questions, observations without worrying about anything else.

The other day my daughter asked me to play 'Snakes and Ladders (like chutes and ladders, but with snakes). Initially I frowned to myself but then I decided to fully embrace this moment. Now Snakes and Ladders is an awful game. It's very monotonous and is designed to go on and on. But I wasn't there to play the game per se, I was there to watch my daughter, who is 5, play the game. Along the way she said a lot of interesting things, some of them hilarious, and I just didn't worry about how asinine the game is. What is really hilarious was that after about 30 minutes she tired of the game herself and asked if we could quit. The more time I can spend like that with my kids the more leverage I will have when I have to discipline or correct them. It's like filling up the tank and it is its own reward.


Happy New Year.

Of Fruit and Trees

There is nothing in this blog that will be particularly novel or genius. Families and the art of raising children have been around for a while. There are so many cliche's to illustrate the point. There is nothing new under the sun (in general) or (in particular) the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree.

Parents are often on the look out for 'new' techniques, tricks or gimmicks to have more influence with their children. It's not that techniques in and of themselves are ineffective or not worth learning but what parents often fail to realize is that they are the most influential force in their child's life already....without reading one parent self help book. They are the tree, their kids are the fruit. Well, duh, right.

The implications of this obvious knowledge is both relieving (I think) and powerfully deep. How we think, how we act, how we solve problems, handle stress, communicate, cry, love, pray, hate, all of it, is what our children pick up. We as parents need to constantly examine ourselves mindfully and honestly. Are we demonstrating good frustration tolerance? If we shout and scream, or pout and stew, at all the bumps in the road how do we expect our kids to act? Are we demonstrating good character? If we trivialize dishonesty (taxes) or rule breaking (littering, traffic) how do we expect our kids to act? Are we demonstrating compassion toward others?....well, you get the point.

Raising children is not just a 24/7 job. All that you are, all that you say, think and feel and how you express all those aspects of yourself go into the cake that is your child. There are no short cuts to co-creating the person you want your child to be. Co-creat? Well, no one does nothing alone.

Adam and Camille

wish you a Merry Christmas

and a New Year filled with hope.

Parents in Recovery

Parents in recovery from chemical dependency or addiction often struggle with how to re-enter their role as parent. Often times the recovering parent feels guilty about not being around, either physically or emotionally, when they were using. These guilt feelings can lead to much ambivilance about being an effective parent. To compensate for not being around these parents often become friends, companions or roommates with their kids. The parent may feel either 1) they have no right to discipline their children because of their addiction, 2) they fear, having just reconnected with their kids, that any limit setting or parental guidance may push their kids away and they will lose them all over again or 3) their own beliefs about firm parenting are still stuck in their own issues of adolescence. They just don't want to be 'that kind of parent'. But this leaves them with a dilemma when their children begin to need guidance, consistency and discipline.

We all can divide our minds into 'emotional mind' and 'reasonable mind'. Both are necessary for effective decision making, relationship building and just living. Recovering parents though are sometimes stuck in 'emotional mind'. This leads to decisions being based solely on feelings. The feeling of guilt or shame in particular is common for the recovering parent. But if a parent is trying to raise his or her children from the position of guilt then the possibility of being effective as a parent is slim. Guilty parenting will prevent children from getting what they need.

Recovering parents need to listen to their internal dialogue. Listen to their reasonable mind about what they know to be right, healthy and effective parenting. When I am working with these parents I often suggest they keep a journal and write down all the thoughts they have about their relationship with their children. It only takes practice to begin to reframe feelings of guilt into a signal that the parent is doing what is right (and what is right does not always feel easy or good, at first).

Obviously recovering parents need to be in ongoing recovery support groups (12 step or otherwise). Being a parent is only one part of their new life in sobriety but it is a huge part and often one of the chief motivating factors for getting clean and sober to begin with.

Once a parent in recovery is able to separate their thoughts and feelings then their minds become fertile for new ideas about child rearing. But until they gain this insight these new skills will fall on barren ground.

Recovering parents face many challenges. This is only one. There may be no one correct way to be a parent but parenting from the positon of guilt and shame is patently ineffective and dangerous.

Strategic Parenting

I am working with a mother and father dealing with an oppositional child. One of the issues the parents are dealing with now is discipline, obviously. Specifically they complain that the 13 yr old does not respect them and blatantly disregards their rules. Yet they also feel somewhat guilty given her abuse history when they try and maintain firm expectations. They are becoming more fatigued and fighting a sense of helplessness.

This situation is not that unusual and not just with adolescents who have gone through the abuse this girl did. Parents in addiction recovery, parents who are dealing with their own mental health issues, or parents of typical teens who are flummoxed by the whole puberty thing frequently have difficulty with a similar pattern of behavior in their children.

One concept that is worth learning is 'Strategic Parenting.' The assumption is that you know your child well and can generally predict that certain behaviors will occur in the future. The Strategic piece is this; Do not engage is wishful thinking such as 'that will never happen again', but instead accept that the troubling behavior will occur again and have a plan for it. Planning for an event in the future is called a Strategy. When your child disregards a particular rule, is disrespectful, or what ever the case may be, have a plan for how you will respond.

Too often we come up with a response in the crisis moment. In crises we tend to make haste decisions, over react and then regret what we did and said. Punishments decided in these moments are often overreaching. Later when we realize this and let our child off the hook we are sending the message that our rules really don't need to be respected and our authority is diminished. And the problem only grows.

Part of Strategic Parenting is the development of Consistency and Constancy. These concepts are important in raising children but are also very useful when trying to be more parentally strategic.

Consistency means that the rules and expectations in the household are generally the same day to day and are equally held by all caregivers (parents, grand parents, foster parents etc) dealing with the children. What is expected on Monday is expected on Tuesday and so forth. It helps to have rules, chores, rewards and consequences written down. The idea is simple but takes energy for parents to truly adhere to. Consistency is well known as an important parenting skill. Less so, is Constancy.

Constancy in the sense that I am using it refers to the mood and affect of the caregivers. In the family mentioned above both parents acknowledged that their moods had become more unstable along with the teenager's. They were mirroring her moods or were responding with their own temper tantrums when she was oppositional or arrogant. This only made the situation worse, led them to feeling more angry and powerless and did nothing to address the situation.
Constancy means that regardless of how disappointed, angry or frustrated they may feel the caregivers are expressing these feelings calmly and appropriately. Constancy is hard to immediately achieve and needs to to be practiced. It is connected to acceptance. As parents it is hard for us to accept that we are not 'in control' of our child's mood and behaviors. Ironically by accepting this and demonstrating more Constancy in parenting we are more likely to see our teenager begin to demonstrate more emotional regulation and respect for us on their own.

Constancy plus Consistency is the key to Strategic Parenting.

No one solution will work all the time with discipline and that is where patience and acceptance comes in. (But that is a posting for another day.)

Comparing

As parents we spend a lot of time comparing our kids to others. And maybe even more so we compare our kids' experiences with growing up to our own. For me this has been a challenge. When I grew up in Atlanta it couldn't have been more idyllic. I grew up in a very cohesive neighborhood and the street where I lived was filled with children about my age. We grew up together as natural playmates. We played 'cops and robbers', tag, sports in the street (mostly football) and in our backyards. The streets were safe and the parents were friends with each other, or at least knew each other well.
That was when middle class folks all did the same thing. Had kids at the same time. Mothers didn't work outside the home. Things have changed.
When my son was younger there were no other kids on our street his age. Playdates had to be scheduled. His social life doesn't seem as rich as the one I experienced at his age.
But this is my perspective, not his. From his point of view his life is good. He has friends at school and he does have a couple of very good friends. He's involved in scouting and plays soccer. I still wish that he could experience what I did, but I know that he is not missing out. He is having his own life and will look back fondly and worry that his child won't enjoy what he did. And so it goes....
When folks are depressed they often experience 'thought distortions'. These arise when only a limited part of a very rich reality is focused on.
Be a caring, loving, consistent and creative parent. In doing so you will create fertile ground for your child. But you won't be able to control all the variables or the exact direction in which growth will occur. And that is a good thing.