Our kids can wear us out. When there are problems such as conflict, drug abuse, oppositional behaviors or poor communication it will take more than 'mere love' to improve the situation. Parents, in one way or another, will find themselves feeling helpless and maybe even hopeless in the face of these and similar problems. Many of the families I work with have been dealing with problems for a while and often feel that nothing they have tried has worked. Some of them are on the verge of giving up or giving in to the problem; live and let live.
It is at times like these that parents need to reinforce their inner resources. Parents need to remember that their physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health can not be sacrificed on the alter of self less parenthood. The road is long, the holes can be deep and parents need to be prepared. So how does one do that?
1) Think about your self--do what you can to have time for yourself on a regular basis
2) Develop a regular prayer, meditation or mindfulness practice--daily quiet time. There are a plethora of books about mindfulness. There is an excellent book on Mindful Parenting: Every Day Blessings by John Kabat-Zinn.
3) Think strategically--consider the problems you are having with your children strategically, just like you would if you were playing a game (it even helps to put on a 'gaming' attitude)--you know your child, you can predict their behaviors and you can decide how to respond thoughtfully before the behavior actually occurs; you can experiment with different responses. The point is to RESPOND and not REACT.
4) Maintain emotional constancy (spoken of earlier on this blog site)--your ability to remain relatively calm will have an influence on your children over time
5) Make sure you and your partner are on the same page. If you are a single parent make sure that you and the other care givers (grandparents, other parents, teachers) are pushing in the same direction
6) Active listening; give your child full attention, repeat back to them what you heard, seek to understand their perspective
There is obviously more to it, but these steps will prepare you for the road of potholes that raising a teenager can feel like. Taking these steps will help you get some perspective and maintain maneuverability in both minor and major conflicts that might arise with your child.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Listen Up
For us parents listening is hard. Let's be honest. We think we know what our kids need and want, and so why take the time to sit and listen to them. Actually seeking to understand without interruption or editing. We're busy, we're stressed, we're fixing dinner or paying bills; so who has time to listen. Much less look for the sometimes subtle signs that our kids want to be heard. I am as bad about this as anyone else. I may be taking my son to school with the radio on, or getting home from work and robotically asking 'Do you have any homework?' but not really asking him how are things, what's going on in your life, tell me something about your day. I may be preparing dinner and as my daughter is trying to get my attention I attempt to gently blow her off because 'can't you see, daddy is busy'.
We need to listen. We need to be active in finding those times when our children want our attention to communicate what they think and feel. These moments don't always arrive on a schedule. We need to develop habits of putting our secondary work down and focus on our primary work, developing and growing our children. It takes time and it is inconvenient. By the time our children become middle teens they have picked up our habits and our patterns. They have conformed themselves to our refusal to be distracted by their need to communicate....and they stop communicating. Then it's our turn to complain about how my teen doesn't communicate.
I have to constantly remind myself to turn off the tv, turn down the radio, delay getting dinner started and turn toward my child, sit if I can to look them in the face, and ask them to tell me what they want. And listen. They know I am listening because I am looking at them, my arms are in my lap or at my side, and I can repeat back to them what I just heard them say. I can show my interest in their thoughts and feelings. This pattern, this habit, will pay off big time as they grow up. That doesn't mean that your teen will be 'Mr. Communication' all the time but it does mean that somewhere in there they know how to speak and listen.
So, Listen Up!
Monday, February 16, 2009
You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.--John Kabat-Zinn
I read that quote the other day while getting a presentation together. It's a nifty little nugget of truth. Acceptance of what is is hard. As parents we live in a world full of danger and risk, we watch as our children, especially our teens, venture out into that world. We want to keep them safe, protected, innocent....but we cannot. We can choose to rage, rage at the world and its uncontrollable, unpredictable and, in the end, inevitable influence upon our children or like the surfer, we can find ways to make it work for us and our children. We can accept reality; the reality of growth (often in ways we didn't for see), the reality of difference (our children are not us), the reality of risk. But we can also engage in that reality. We can at once shelter each other (as Mary Pipher so eloquently explores) and support each other in the journey into the world. Preparing to take part, to have influence upon while at the same time being influenced by reality.
We can do this by developing a family culture which embraces the world but also sees the world as a work in progress or a project; a project that we can influence. We are in the end co creators of our reality.
Surf's Up!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Co-Parenting
Co-Parenting by the way was a hot concept a few years ago. Doesn't seem to get as much press lately (or maybe I'm not paying attention). Co-parenting is the process by which divorced or separated parents become an effective parenting team. Either resolving old issues in order to work together as parents or putting unresolved issues aside for the same purpose. I get cynical about divorced parents from time to time but when I think about it I am impressed by how many divorced parents I meet or work with who are in the co-parenting mode. I've met many divorced parents over the years who are actually better friends with each other post divorce. When I meet these parents I heap praise upon them. Whether they had it in mind or not, they are doing a huge favor for their children by treating each other kindly, equally and even lovingly.
These parents get it, either consciously or subconsciously, that how they treat each other, talk to and about each other, has a direct link to how their children perceive their place in the family, their connection to mom and dad and their sense of self esteem.
For parents who are seeking to get into the co-parenting process the first step is to talk about it. It may help to have a family therapist or mediator involved but it's not absolutely necessary as long as there is a desire. The only assumption one need make is that the other parent loves the kids and wants what's best for them. It also helps to not view the process as an opportunity to fix or resolve all the old issues.
The best book I've seen on Co-Parenting is the classic: FAMILIES APART: 10 Keys to Successful Co-Parenting by Melinda Blau. Still available on Amazon.com by the way.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Try Co-Parenting
(I don't like to wag the finger too much, so please forgive me for any shrill tone picked up in the post.)
Here's to divorced parents who can sit in the same room and talk about how to help their child. Here's to step parents who don't view the former spouse as a threat. Here's to parents, biological and step, who place the needs of their children above their own self pity, anger, sense of betrayal and all the other emotions that divorced or divorcing parents feel.
I met a family for the first time last night. The identified client is a 15 yr old boy who just 'graduated' from a very well regarded addiction program. In the room was the client, the mother, the step father and the father. No one hid the fact that even after many years there were still unresolved issues from the divorce but all present were focused on how they could help the client. The parents and the client were able to talk civilly and even spontaneously to one another. No teeth pulling here. Not only did they want to help but all present acknowledged that they needed to make their own personal changes if the client was to be successful. No one's perfect but these folks are grappling with how to effectively co-parent.
Separated, divorcing and divorced parents are well advised to remember that the experience of parents separating is a traumatic event for a child; even for a teenager. Even the most amicable divorce can be like an earthquake in the life of a child. Often during the initial separation, a period of time where parents are bitter and angry with each other, separating moms and dads are likely to verbalize their hurt feelings, insulting the other parent within ear shot of the child. This is damaging to the child. At a basic level children know that they are 'of' their parents; both of them. If they hear disparaging remarks about the mother or father, it's as if those remarks are about themselves. This is hugely damaging to their sense of self and will have a lasting negative influence. Even into adulthood.
So divorcing parents....buck up. Get your head out of your narcissistic self interests. You decided to have children and despite the failure of your marital relationship you have another relationship that you cannot permit to fail. You have the permanent relationship as parents. You are connected whether you like it or not. So figure out a way to communicate about your children directly with each other. Figure out a way to get on the same page with discipline and expectations. Figure out a way to not communicate through the children, but directly with each other as painful and as awkward as that may be. You owe it to your children to do this. The price of infantile self-centeredness is too steep. And the reward of your children realizing that despite the failure of your marriage you still love them and you do not blame them for the divorce is truly priceless and very much worth the effort.
OK, sorry for the temper tantrum.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Give 'Em Enough Rope
Trust is often the topic of the day between a teen and his or her parents. As children develop into adolescents they are also beginning to become more self aware and see that they have their own mind, lives, decisions that are distinct from their parents. For us parents this can be tricky and scary. Regardless of how we yearn for the closeness we had when our baby was, well, a baby, the fact is there is a distance forming; and it's a distance of necessity. Trust means giving our children space to make decisions, learn and grow. It doesn't mean 'letting go' but maybe taking a step back. Being vigilant and aware, but not being quick to fix a problem or overly protect our sweeties from life's edges. As teens grow the natural consequences of their actions should be allowed to play out.
For your child to become an adult they will need to begin to think, decide and act for themselves. They will need space. They will make mistakes, bad decisions and, worst of all, they will place themselves at risk. This period of development, from childhood to adulthood, is adolescence. During this time boundaries change, relationships change and often this change leaves the parent grieving for the child their teen once was. This is an understandable reaction but if it is overly indulged then the parent is likely to over react, creating additional conflict and possibly extreme rebellion/reaction on the part of the teen. This dance of relational position is at times delicate and nuanced and at times thunderous and clanky. But it is a dance, and requires of the parent non-rigid thinking, emotional and intellectual dexterity and a strategy focused on the long term growth and development of the child/teen.
Trust is both given, earned, rescinded, earned back, given again, lost, gained etc etc. Trust is not static. In a crude way the old saying, "Give em enough rope" applies (but not to hang themselves). Give them enough space to learn but be ready to take action if necessary.
For your child to become an adult they will need to begin to think, decide and act for themselves. They will need space. They will make mistakes, bad decisions and, worst of all, they will place themselves at risk. This period of development, from childhood to adulthood, is adolescence. During this time boundaries change, relationships change and often this change leaves the parent grieving for the child their teen once was. This is an understandable reaction but if it is overly indulged then the parent is likely to over react, creating additional conflict and possibly extreme rebellion/reaction on the part of the teen. This dance of relational position is at times delicate and nuanced and at times thunderous and clanky. But it is a dance, and requires of the parent non-rigid thinking, emotional and intellectual dexterity and a strategy focused on the long term growth and development of the child/teen.
Trust is both given, earned, rescinded, earned back, given again, lost, gained etc etc. Trust is not static. In a crude way the old saying, "Give em enough rope" applies (but not to hang themselves). Give them enough space to learn but be ready to take action if necessary.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Let Grief Happen
Being the parent to a grieving child is a huge challenge. The last thing we want to do is have to explain death, especially to our younger children. Children as young as 4 and 5 often don't really understand what death is. Explaining the end of life to someone at it's beginning may be near impossible.
I have recently worked with a mother who's 5 year old niece died of complications from chemo therapy. She has her own children, a 6 and 7 year old boy and girl, who are very close to the deceased cousin. I say 'are' and not 'were' because their relationship doesn't simply end because their cousin died. They will continue to relate to her in their own way. The mother brought them to see me because she had noticed increased crying spells, clingy-ness, and mood swings. The kids are sleeping with her since the cousins death and she wonders if this is healthy. Her daughter talks about 'wishing' that the cousin would come back or asked if they pray to God enough will that bring the loved cousin back to life. The cousin died only 4 days ago after over 10 days in the hospital on life support. The whole family is exhausted.
This was 'easy' for me. I gently informed the mother that what she was reporting was 'normal' (awful word) and that she could expect more of these types of behaviors, off and on, into the future. Her children will naturally grieve at their own pace. If certain behaviors go on and intensify and interfere with life then there may be a need for some extra help but they are no where near that point. I also explored her own feelings about the death and encouraged her to take care of her self too.
Parents out of love want the pain to go away. This can lead to thinking of a child's grief as a problem to be fixed. Watching your own child struggle with loss and its cruel permanence can seem unbearable. But parents can bare it and can guide their children through this difficult time. Mostly this involves letting the process happen. Answer questions, ask how they are feeling, show your own emotions, encourage conversations about what they remember and miss about the lost loved one. Live life but don't shove death under the rug.
Just like adult grief, when a child is experiencing grief it should not be thought of as a pathological event. Grief, loss and sadness are a part of life and unfortunately children experience these things too. Of course part of the challenge is that the parent her or his self is also going through their own sense of loss and hurt over the same death and may feel unable to 'be there' for their grieving child.
Children are more open to spirituality than adults. This natural awareness that there is a reality bigger than their own is a major strength. Tapping into your spiritual tradition is one strategy to help deal with grief. Encouraging your children to talk to your pastor, rabbi or pastoral counselor (or other spiritually inclined individuals) about their feelings can also be useful.
The take home message here is let the process of grief happen. Be there but don't panic when your child expresses their feelings and has questions about death.
What an opportunity as a parent to help your child gain a more full understanding of life and its preciousness!
I have recently worked with a mother who's 5 year old niece died of complications from chemo therapy. She has her own children, a 6 and 7 year old boy and girl, who are very close to the deceased cousin. I say 'are' and not 'were' because their relationship doesn't simply end because their cousin died. They will continue to relate to her in their own way. The mother brought them to see me because she had noticed increased crying spells, clingy-ness, and mood swings. The kids are sleeping with her since the cousins death and she wonders if this is healthy. Her daughter talks about 'wishing' that the cousin would come back or asked if they pray to God enough will that bring the loved cousin back to life. The cousin died only 4 days ago after over 10 days in the hospital on life support. The whole family is exhausted.
This was 'easy' for me. I gently informed the mother that what she was reporting was 'normal' (awful word) and that she could expect more of these types of behaviors, off and on, into the future. Her children will naturally grieve at their own pace. If certain behaviors go on and intensify and interfere with life then there may be a need for some extra help but they are no where near that point. I also explored her own feelings about the death and encouraged her to take care of her self too.
Parents out of love want the pain to go away. This can lead to thinking of a child's grief as a problem to be fixed. Watching your own child struggle with loss and its cruel permanence can seem unbearable. But parents can bare it and can guide their children through this difficult time. Mostly this involves letting the process happen. Answer questions, ask how they are feeling, show your own emotions, encourage conversations about what they remember and miss about the lost loved one. Live life but don't shove death under the rug.
Just like adult grief, when a child is experiencing grief it should not be thought of as a pathological event. Grief, loss and sadness are a part of life and unfortunately children experience these things too. Of course part of the challenge is that the parent her or his self is also going through their own sense of loss and hurt over the same death and may feel unable to 'be there' for their grieving child.
Children are more open to spirituality than adults. This natural awareness that there is a reality bigger than their own is a major strength. Tapping into your spiritual tradition is one strategy to help deal with grief. Encouraging your children to talk to your pastor, rabbi or pastoral counselor (or other spiritually inclined individuals) about their feelings can also be useful.
The take home message here is let the process of grief happen. Be there but don't panic when your child expresses their feelings and has questions about death.
What an opportunity as a parent to help your child gain a more full understanding of life and its preciousness!
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Superheroes
I came across this article on the web at BP Magazine. It's an interesting perspective and if you are dealing with a child who is struggling with mental illness it's a nice re-frame.
--Ed
On my mind: Superheroes unite!
When I was a kid, I was a fan of the TV show The Incredible Hulk. At the time, I figured the Hulk’s mental issues led to his outbursts, just like my own. Later, I enjoyed the superhero movies Spider-Man and Fantastic Four. I have long thought these characters portrayed mental illness in a quirky way, but I never realized the significance they had for me until I watched the latest installment in the X-Men films.We are the X-Men.Stan Lee’s comic book heroes have special powers. They also have idiosyncrasies. Most of all, they struggle with their inability to handle their powers.There are several characters in X-Men: The Last Stand who wanted to live a “normal” life. They couldn’t see the benefit of a power they couldn’t control. They were subjected to pressure to get “cured,” and many succumbed to the promise of a normal life. Others fought to harness their powers for good. As they gained mastery over their unique gifts, they found they could not only control their superpowers, but turn them into an advantage. Like the characters of Stan Lee’s imagination, I would have done anything to become “normal.” In the end, I chose to engage in the ultimate battle: getting control of my own powers. As I wrestled with my bipolar disorder, I learned that even some of the powers that seemed to have no apparent benefit were a source of great strength. I now see that my “superpowers” give me the ability to do things a normal being couldn’t even fathom—like living daily life while experiencing full-blown depression. The problem is not that we’re mentally ill. It’s that we experience 150 percent of what others do, and we’re frustrated that we haven’t yet learned how to handle it. But gaining control isn’t impossible.Like those who tried to get the X-Men to become normal, far too many people talk about “changing the stigma” while creating the worst stigma of all: the idea that we’re not capable of greatness. This “can’t-do” attitude is rampant in the bipolar community. So attached are many to this self-defeating view that they attack anyone who suggests we can have a better life. It’s time to stand up to such negativity by spelling out results worth striving for: clear insight, true freedom, real stability, equanimity, self-mastery, and great relationships.It is impossible to have a life worth living that eliminates depression. The “cure” for depression is not making it go away. The cure is to get to the point that the symptoms lose their power over you. Equanimity means that even though the symptoms are still there, you function normally and understand something that few ever will.It takes equanimity to understand the bipolar advantage. Once you view depression and mania from the perspective of equanimity, you see how such richness of experience brings insight and understanding that those without our condition couldn’t imagine. Of course, the only way to prove that we have attained equanimity is to change our behavior, which is what self-mastery is all about.By facing your condition instead of avoiding it or hoping it will go away, you will discover superpowers you never knew you had. Best of all, you will discover your true self and realize that those powers were given to you to help you along the way. As Professor Charles Xavier, the leader of the X-Men, says: “You have more power than you can imagine. The question is: Will you control that power—or will you let it control you?”-----Tom Wootton’s mission is to help people with mental health conditions shift their thinking and behavior so that they can lead extraordinary lives. His books include The Bipolar Advantage and The Depression Advantage. Visit his Web site at http://www.bipolaradvantage.com/.
--Ed
On my mind: Superheroes unite!
When I was a kid, I was a fan of the TV show The Incredible Hulk. At the time, I figured the Hulk’s mental issues led to his outbursts, just like my own. Later, I enjoyed the superhero movies Spider-Man and Fantastic Four. I have long thought these characters portrayed mental illness in a quirky way, but I never realized the significance they had for me until I watched the latest installment in the X-Men films.We are the X-Men.Stan Lee’s comic book heroes have special powers. They also have idiosyncrasies. Most of all, they struggle with their inability to handle their powers.There are several characters in X-Men: The Last Stand who wanted to live a “normal” life. They couldn’t see the benefit of a power they couldn’t control. They were subjected to pressure to get “cured,” and many succumbed to the promise of a normal life. Others fought to harness their powers for good. As they gained mastery over their unique gifts, they found they could not only control their superpowers, but turn them into an advantage. Like the characters of Stan Lee’s imagination, I would have done anything to become “normal.” In the end, I chose to engage in the ultimate battle: getting control of my own powers. As I wrestled with my bipolar disorder, I learned that even some of the powers that seemed to have no apparent benefit were a source of great strength. I now see that my “superpowers” give me the ability to do things a normal being couldn’t even fathom—like living daily life while experiencing full-blown depression. The problem is not that we’re mentally ill. It’s that we experience 150 percent of what others do, and we’re frustrated that we haven’t yet learned how to handle it. But gaining control isn’t impossible.Like those who tried to get the X-Men to become normal, far too many people talk about “changing the stigma” while creating the worst stigma of all: the idea that we’re not capable of greatness. This “can’t-do” attitude is rampant in the bipolar community. So attached are many to this self-defeating view that they attack anyone who suggests we can have a better life. It’s time to stand up to such negativity by spelling out results worth striving for: clear insight, true freedom, real stability, equanimity, self-mastery, and great relationships.It is impossible to have a life worth living that eliminates depression. The “cure” for depression is not making it go away. The cure is to get to the point that the symptoms lose their power over you. Equanimity means that even though the symptoms are still there, you function normally and understand something that few ever will.It takes equanimity to understand the bipolar advantage. Once you view depression and mania from the perspective of equanimity, you see how such richness of experience brings insight and understanding that those without our condition couldn’t imagine. Of course, the only way to prove that we have attained equanimity is to change our behavior, which is what self-mastery is all about.By facing your condition instead of avoiding it or hoping it will go away, you will discover superpowers you never knew you had. Best of all, you will discover your true self and realize that those powers were given to you to help you along the way. As Professor Charles Xavier, the leader of the X-Men, says: “You have more power than you can imagine. The question is: Will you control that power—or will you let it control you?”-----Tom Wootton’s mission is to help people with mental health conditions shift their thinking and behavior so that they can lead extraordinary lives. His books include The Bipolar Advantage and The Depression Advantage. Visit his Web site at http://www.bipolaradvantage.com/.
Embrace the Moment in the New Year
Just to be clear, I am only a guy. I happen to be a family counselor and a husband and a father. I am no better or worse than anyone reading this blog. These are simply thoughts I have as I conduct my work and my life. So take everything written here with that in mind and a grain of salt from time to time.
For those of us who celebrate Christmas we are now in the post Christmas blues....only made worse by the very real economic blues hitting our nation and the world in general. It's like a sugar low, after a sugar high. Christmas, despite our best efforts as families and individuals, is very materialistic (and has been for as long as I can remember). There is no getting around it. To what ever degree we try to maintain a spiritual focus during this time of year (regardless of your tradition), that is overwhelmed by the material expectations of the season. I think most of us succumb. We are practically told that to be good citizens we need to be good consumers. And most of us, myself include, comply with this not so subtle suggestion.
So the new year brings an opportunity and not just to come up with another list of things we are going to do better (the usual set of self improvement agenda items). The opportunity we all have as parents is to take time out and be, with a capital 'B', with our children. Play that board game they got from santa, teach them how to play 'go fish', go for a hike around the local lake, go have a picnic, get out the arts and crafts stuff one of your little ones got and create art with your kids. Be with them, laugh with them, turn the tv off, put the nano down (this is particularly hard for me sometimes), enjoy their expressions, questions, observations without worrying about anything else.
The other day my daughter asked me to play 'Snakes and Ladders (like chutes and ladders, but with snakes). Initially I frowned to myself but then I decided to fully embrace this moment. Now Snakes and Ladders is an awful game. It's very monotonous and is designed to go on and on. But I wasn't there to play the game per se, I was there to watch my daughter, who is 5, play the game. Along the way she said a lot of interesting things, some of them hilarious, and I just didn't worry about how asinine the game is. What is really hilarious was that after about 30 minutes she tired of the game herself and asked if we could quit. The more time I can spend like that with my kids the more leverage I will have when I have to discipline or correct them. It's like filling up the tank and it is its own reward.
Happy New Year.
For those of us who celebrate Christmas we are now in the post Christmas blues....only made worse by the very real economic blues hitting our nation and the world in general. It's like a sugar low, after a sugar high. Christmas, despite our best efforts as families and individuals, is very materialistic (and has been for as long as I can remember). There is no getting around it. To what ever degree we try to maintain a spiritual focus during this time of year (regardless of your tradition), that is overwhelmed by the material expectations of the season. I think most of us succumb. We are practically told that to be good citizens we need to be good consumers. And most of us, myself include, comply with this not so subtle suggestion.
So the new year brings an opportunity and not just to come up with another list of things we are going to do better (the usual set of self improvement agenda items). The opportunity we all have as parents is to take time out and be, with a capital 'B', with our children. Play that board game they got from santa, teach them how to play 'go fish', go for a hike around the local lake, go have a picnic, get out the arts and crafts stuff one of your little ones got and create art with your kids. Be with them, laugh with them, turn the tv off, put the nano down (this is particularly hard for me sometimes), enjoy their expressions, questions, observations without worrying about anything else.
The other day my daughter asked me to play 'Snakes and Ladders (like chutes and ladders, but with snakes). Initially I frowned to myself but then I decided to fully embrace this moment. Now Snakes and Ladders is an awful game. It's very monotonous and is designed to go on and on. But I wasn't there to play the game per se, I was there to watch my daughter, who is 5, play the game. Along the way she said a lot of interesting things, some of them hilarious, and I just didn't worry about how asinine the game is. What is really hilarious was that after about 30 minutes she tired of the game herself and asked if we could quit. The more time I can spend like that with my kids the more leverage I will have when I have to discipline or correct them. It's like filling up the tank and it is its own reward.
Happy New Year.
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